Sometimes the day finishes before I even realize it’s begun and I feel like time is slipping away from me, a little faster every day. I wonder how much I’m forgetting without meaning to. Will I remember the way she points out her shoes to everybody she meets? Or the smell of her head in the morning? Or the feel of her kissing me again and again before resting her head on my chest at naptime? Or her desire to stop everything and clean up whenever she drops food on the ground?
Over the past several weeks, in a desperate attempt to scrounge up some photographs for my grandmother, I’ve been sifting through the thousands of images we’ve taken of Charlotte during her life. Staring at those picture, it rushes back to me. The sight of her head leaving my body. The smell of her breath after nursing. The warmth of her body pressed against mine as she slept. The tremor in my voice when I thought I spied a first tiny tooth. The haltering chuckles on squeaky vocal chords. The wobbling steps on chubby legs. The taste of the tears as I tried to kiss them away.
One year ago, at the park after her very first swing ride.
My worries vanish, my fears subside, my joy and confidence and excitement return. I miss those days - the triumph of watching her lift her head, the ache in my arms when I set her down for the night, the hours spent cooing and humming and rocking. And I loved her then, in her smallness and her innocence, but as time passes so love grows. Looking at those snapshots, those impossibly small slices of what our life as a family has been, I am at peace. The child my daughter is today is incredible and is so much more than the child she was. The love I offer her is stronger and deeper and more all-consuming. The mother in me is better educated and more patient. Yesterday was beautiful, but today is better.
Suddenly time seems like it’s going at just the right pace after all.
Where were you a year ago?
*** Gramma, the photos will be there soon! PROMISE!
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my daughter just turned 34!! And I enjoy her just as much today, if not more, than I did at anytime in our lives together!
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Those day to day moments are the ones that slip away for me after a few years. That’s why I started my blog based on Project 365 - 1 picture a day. When the kids are teenagers I will be able to look back on our day to day life and remember all those little things (or when I’m addled with memory loss in 5 years if things keep going the way they are - just kidding. Kind of.) A year ago today we were in pretty much the same place, getting back to school and preparing for our annual sledding, snowshoeing and skiing trip.
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I worry about all those little things slipping away, too. :( Probably too much. That’s why I stick with this blogging thing: for the memories.
A year ago, I was gettng ready to go off birth control again. Now I’m waiting for baby number 2, due May 29.
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Ah. I could have written this myself. Honestly. I feel like time slips away so suddenly. It’s harsh and unforgiving with no regard for me and how I want it to stand still. Every day, I want to smell her more, hug her more deeply and tell her over an over again how much I love her.
Even with times harsh realities, I too, fall more deeply in love with her every single day.
She is a miracle.
Thank you for a beautiful post.
Molly -
I am not sure—let me go check my blog ;)
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My husband always makes fun of me for keeping a blog. (he calls it doing my wacko computer-ing) But whenever our son says something hilarious he’s started telling me, “Oh my God, you’ve got to write that one down somewhere so we never forget how awesome he was at this age.“
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A year ago today I was 5 months pregnant and just barely starting to show. I agree with you in this post that time sure does fly by! Even at almost 8 months, Elliot has seemed to just turn into a little person so fast and no longer wants to be held for long periods of time; she wants to sit on her own and attempt to crawl. I do miss the little helpless newborn stage, and hopefully I will get to relive that again one day, but for now I am trying to enjoy every single second that I can spend with her before she gets another day older.
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My youngest is now 10 so all the baby stuff has long gone and the worries are very different. I hope you enjoy those times as much as I did.
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Year ago my son was about 8 months old. At that time I thought having an 8 month old was the coolest thing ever. Now he’s 20 months and I think having a 20 month old is the COOLEST THING EVER!
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I just discovered your blog but I already love it! My little girl is 8 months old and I already am wondering where the time went.
I just started a new blog if you want to check it out…
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Thank you for such a beautiful post…I reward myself at work with the reading of a post or two and I happened to stumble upon this one today. My daughter just turned one and I found myself sitting at my desk reflecting on our year together with tears welling in my eyes. Yes, I am that crazy mom that sits at her desk silently reflecting on days gone by…thank you for the chance to slow down and just peruse my bank of baby memories.
By Michelle on January 05, 2011
So funny that you did a post like this today…I did a “A Year Ago Today” post over on my blog. My daughter’s due date was a year ago today. So that’s where I was: waiting.