Sarah Fartypants strikes again. Kills all within smelling distance.
February 02, 2011

When I was ten or eleven years old, my class at school had story-time at the library once a week.  At least, in my memory it’s once a week.  For all I know, it was really once a year.  Seeing as I had about the mental capacity of a squirrel in those days – and maybe not even that – I’m going to cut myself some slack for not remembering how often we went to the library.

Also, even though I like to think that my mental capacity these days is at least equal to that of, say, a raccoon or a mongoose, I have to admit that my memory has not improved very much with time.  Over the weekend, we had my cousins over for dinner.  At some point, I found myself telling a story and I couldn’t remember when the events had occurred.  Was it last night?  Two nights ago?  A month ago?  I mean, I thought it was last night, BUT WHO KNOWS, sometimes thirty days just mesh all together and FEEL JUST LIKE twenty-four hours.  At least, they do in my brain.  It’s the darndest thing.

And I’ve never even partaken of illegal substances, you guys.  This is my brain without drugs.  Imagine my memory if I had.  Goldfish everywhere would look down their scaly little noses at me.

But, okay, back to the point.  The point is that when I was a kid, our school had these classroom-specific library story-times and when I was ten or eleven I went to one.  And at just the very moment when the librarian reading the story had built up the suspense and when the entire room was dead silent, I farted.  It was one of those farts that you try to keep quiet, so you position your butt JUST SO, but then instead of squeezing out quietly it sort of pops out with a bang.  It was the longest, stinkiest fart that has ever escaped from my bottom except maybe the one that happened on my wedding day, but luckily that one was stifled by nearly five billion layers of expensive white fluff that I will never wear again.  The only person who maybe got a whiff was the poor dry cleaner a few days later and he probably died from exposure and is therefore unable to blackmail me for life.  When I was a kid in a silent library, there was no such salvation.

Everybody swiftly turned their heads back at me – and I turned so red that even the local fire trucks started to look a little dull – and then they started laughing.  I was called Sarah Fartypants for the next several years and was widely considered to be the school’s olfactory wild card from there on out.

As time passes, you forget these things, but then at yesterday’s story-time at the library…well…I farted.  This time it was an accidental fart, the sort of fart that every woman who has ever had a baby completely understands.  Sometimes those suckers just slip out without me ever knowing they were coming, a sort of intestinal surprise party.  I never would have thought that shooting something out of my vagina would affect the way my farting mechanism functioned, BUT APPARENTLY IT DOES.  And not in a good way.  I’ve never been like, WHEW, that pushing thing sure sucked, but at least my farts don’t make flowers wither and die anymore.

So yesterday we were at the library and the volunteer reader was getting super SUPER into the story and she was building up the tension in the room and we were all silent, just waiting for the moment when some big scary monster would pop out of a closet, when it happened.  A squeaky rumbly fart that unfortunately smelled rather fart-y.  For a split second, it was completely silent in the room, probably because all of the three-year-old boys were too enthralled by the monster to bother thinking about the big fart-smelling elephant in the room.  Then one of the moms just started laughing.  Oh, she laughed.  Laughed and laughed and laughed.  When she caught her breath she was all, gosh, I’m so sorry about that.  It’s just that you looked really familiar and I couldn’t quite place you and then as soon as you farted, it came to me!

Right around that moment was when my brain started screaming at my legs to run, run, run, but all that happened was that my face turned every color known to mankind.  Any time you fart and someone says IT CAME TO ME! in response, you know you’re in trouble.  I think I went to school with you - you’re Sarah, right?!, the mom continued.  SARAH FARTYPANTS??

And then I died.  The end.


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(36) Comments | Permalink
Filed as Farts Memories Sarah 

  1. By Sabrina on February 02, 2011

    Oh my goodness, I am so sorry!  What a horrible moment that must have been for you!  What a crazy coincidence…hard to believe it is true.  Unfortunately some people just never grow up.

  2. By on February 02, 2011

    Sorry for your humiliation and all, but if it makes you feel any better you made me laugh in hysterics this morning.  Don’t worry, that mom surely ripped some stinky ones some time too.  No shame, we all fart and nobody’s smell like roses.

  3. By Sarah on February 02, 2011

    My memory has absolutely rotten ever since I found out I was pregnant and for the last 11 months since my son was born. It’s not enough that when he vacated my womb he left some luggage behind in the way of fat on my stomach, hips and thighs but he also had to rob me of my short term memory.
    Now as for my long term memory, certain aspects of my childhood are crystal clear. Such as Renee pee pee pants and Lisa ear wax girl etc etc. It’s terrible how those associations just happen, but you never expect them to carry into adulthood.
    It’s bad enough to fart loudly in public, then have someone hear it and laugh, but then to connect you to your childhood nickname . . . what a perfect storm.
    I’m sorry that I laughed out loud. But a comedy writer couldn’t have told the story better.

  4. By Courtney L @ Bundle of Wonder on February 02, 2011

    Oh, my!  I am very sorry that happened to you!  But…I know EXACTLY what you mean about the post-baby farting.  It really does happen out of nowhere!  I’ve never been one to just let them go, but you really have no choice in the matter!  Usually just walking sets them off!  I have a feeling I’ll be in a situation similar to yours some day soon!

  5. By Valerie on February 02, 2011

    Oh dear, I guess I should express sympathy like the others but I have to admit that you had me rolling!  I do only laugh in commiseration as it took me months not to snart (fart when I sneezed) after I had my daughter.  Every.  Freeking.  Time.  I got so that I would find a dark corner somewhere every time I felt a sneeze coming on.  lol!  Thank you for the morning laugh and the ?memories?.

  6. By on February 02, 2011

    If it makes you feel any better… A couple months after I had my son, I locked myself out of the house. I thankfullly had my phone and called my husband to hurry home. I had to poop.

    Well, he was working an hour away and that just wouldn’t work. I called him back 15 minutes later and told him not to worry about. I had found a box in the garage, had jude’s baby wipes and did what I had to do. It was hands down the most degrading moment in my life. He of course thought it was hilarious.

    I threatened him for months afterwards that if that story got out, it was grounds for divorce. Of course over time it’s become a running joke and any time a box or the garage is mentioned someone who knows the story brings it up. Sigh…

    Ps- I teared up I laughed so hard.

  7. By Mallory on February 02, 2011

    Oh my gosh, Sarah, that’s frickin hilarious! I mean, totally embarrassing, but I was rolling with laughter.

    Don’t worry though, everyone farts. And if you ever get too embarrassed about it, you can try to pass it off on Charlotte. That’s what my mil does with Des.

  8. By Katelyn on February 02, 2011

    Finally!  Proof that farts can be accidental :)  My husband doesn’t believe me when I pull that card!  I’m sorry for your embarrassment, but you told one heck of a story.

  9. By Sarah Christensen on February 02, 2011

    LOL Sabrina, no worries, she laughed about it afterwards.  The mom I went to the library with has informed me that she will never let me live it down, though lol.

  10. By Sarah Christensen on February 02, 2011

    Alicia - BEST. STORY. EVER!  I’m going to laugh about that all day =)

  11. By erin on February 02, 2011

    AHAHAHA!  Thanks for the laugh.  Just fyi, it’s apparently the growing-the-baby and not the shooting-it-out-your-vagina part that affects the farting mechanism, because being cut open for that kiddo has the same effect. :)

  12. By on February 02, 2011

    That sounds like something that has happened to me, glad I am not alone in my tooting incontinence :)

  13. By Megan R. on February 02, 2011

    O.M.G.

    enough said.  ha!

  14. By on February 02, 2011

    Way to get me in trouble at work!!! I’ve never worked so hard to stifle laughing at my desk!  :)  Was it okay that we all laughed at your expense?

    If it makes you feel any better, I have a history of fainting in public (low blood sugar combined with being tall).  One time in grade school, at the library no less, I fainted after standing for too long with my knees locked.  Okay, not a big deal.  But when you faint, you also can lose bladder control….so yes, I wet my pants in the library.

  15. By Sarah on February 02, 2011

    nice. I mean really?? the same person was there both times?? geez, you have ALL the luck! Thanks for the laugh

  16. By Katy @ Wiggle Wagon on February 02, 2011

    I admit I’m a horrible person.  I was laughing hysterically!  Do you forgive me?
    I’m totally a Katy Fartypants, too.  After a while, I figured out the art of silent farting, but I still haven’t learned how to make them less stinky.

  17. By Sarah Christensen on February 02, 2011

    Sarah - I don’t think she was in my class the first time - at least I don’t remember her being in my class, but we did know each other and I think our lunch groups sat next to each other?  Maybe?  I can’t really remember that well lol.  It’s not completely random that we ran into each other - alot of the people I grew up with have stayed local and I run into them all the time.  I’ve run into some of them at mom groups, on walks, at the grocery store, YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE IT WILL HAPPEN NEXT lol.

    Kelsey - THAT IS SO MUCH WORSE!  I feel for you!

  18. By Dionna @ Code Name: Mama on February 02, 2011

    Ok, I really can’t feel THAT bad for you, because you’re laughing at yourself now by posting this whole story - so you must not be THAT embarrassed ;)

    That being said, I just about cried trying not to wake my sleeping child from laughing too loud.

    I have so many embarrassing stories. Honestly, I think I’m going to make one of our next “Carnival of Natural Parenting” topics “embarrassing mama stories,“ because who DOESN’T have those moments?!

  19. By on February 02, 2011

    I’m sitting here literally crying with laughter!  So funny but so embarrassing.  Even since I had my son I have had a lot of sneaky farts that I didn’t even know were coming too.  Good for you for posting, I hope you’re not known as Sarah Fartypants again for the next several years!

  20. By Sarah Christensen on February 02, 2011

    Dionna - It was humiliating at the time, but come on, it’s pretty funny.  I mean, people could recognize me for all sorts of things, BUT THAT WAS WHAT TRIGGERED HER MEMORY?!  My farting?!

    It’s ridiculous.

  21. By Momma Jorje on February 02, 2011

    LMBO! OMG, have you written a book? I bet you have more fun stories, too, but this one is HIlarious! I had to paraphrase and tell the story to my husband because I was laughing so much.

    Thank you for sharing your mortification with the rest of us, as you know we can all relate on some level.

    SO funny!

  22. By Sarah on February 02, 2011

    lol - love it! I laughed so hard I think you almost put me into labour!

  23. By I Thought I Knew Mama on February 02, 2011

    I was rocking my baby to sleep as I read this and had tears streaming down my face from silently laughing so hard! Funniest blog post ever. This is my first time here, but I will now be a regular visitor! :-)

    Thank you for the laughs!
    http://www.ithoughtiknewmama.com

  24. By I Thought I Knew Mama on February 02, 2011

    I was rocking my baby to sleep as I read this and had tears streaming down my face from silently laughing so hard! Funniest blog post ever. This is my first time here, but I will now be a regular visitor! :-)

    Thank you for the laughs!
    I Thought I Knew Mama

  25. By Amy on February 02, 2011

    Oh, sweetie, this was HI-frickin-larious!  I’ve had many an embarrassing experience myself so I completely sympathise. 

    Oh, and, Dionna, a carnival of embarrassing Momma stories is a wicked idea!  I’d be in for sure!

  26. By teresa on February 02, 2011

    No WAY!!!
    that is the funniest and most awful thing I’ve ever heard. If I saw it in a movie I’d think it was ridiculious and could never happen.
    You’re a really good writer and I’m so glad NPN directed me to this post and your site.

  27. By Sarah S on February 02, 2011

    That is hilarious and embarrassing but sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders and laugh. What else can you do?  I totally agree about the farting thing - once you have kids, you start farting more audibly and regularly. As far as I know, that never goes away. ANOTHER thing all those stupid pregnancy books don’t tell you about.

  28. By Stephanie on February 02, 2011

    Laugh ‘til I cried.

    Laugh ‘til I cried.

  29. By on February 02, 2011

    Sarah - Thanks…

    I try to convince my husband all the time that the belly is not the only thing that isn’t as tight after baby. all sorts of muscles get loose. LOL

  30. By Sarah Christensen on February 02, 2011

    Alicia - Lol, good luck.  Donald doesn’t believe it either.  Since being called “Sarah Fartypants” was really just a play on being called “Sarah Smartypants,“ my husband spends all tons of time re-birthing the Sarah Fartypants nickname any chance he gets.  When I was pregnant, it was practically daily.  This is just one more excuse for him.

    If I pooped in a box, I have a feeling he would create a whole new nickname for me.  But it’s true, things just aren’t the same after you’ve had a baby.  Intestines do not function the same AT ALL.

  31. By Kristin on February 04, 2011

    Sorry!! Hilarious though. :)

    Post baby I had an “incident”.  Apparently lactose and I are not on the best terms anymore. I had an eggnog latte over the holidays on one side of town and on my way home with baby in tow, I had some cramps and then HAD TO GO RIGHT THEN. But…um…in the car with a baby, so I couldn’t even pull over at a gas station or anything for fear of not making it to the toilet. I was driving and SWEATING and just thinking, “I don’t know what ‘s going to happen. I have no idea if I am going to poop myself, right now, a grown woman.“  Thankfully my husband was working from home that day, so I called him to meet me outside, so I could make it to the toilet and he could attend to the baby.  I mostly made it. Yes mostly. Wait is this story even related or I just sharing for no reason what-so-ever?  Oh yeah, post baby bowel stuff, that qualifies, right?

  32. By on February 04, 2011

    OMG, I’m crying I’m laughing so hard!!! My in-laws have a policy that once you’re family, farts should not have to be stifled. One of my biggest challenges as a wife is to not bust out in giggles everytime my MIL rips one, lol!

  33. By on February 05, 2011

    How powerful are childhood memories? It’s just tooting funny that, what, 20 years later in which you have lived so many lives, you could come full circle and find yourself in an identical situation with someone from your past for a terrific moment of (flatulent) de ja vu. Oh the hilarity!! There is something so precious about this coincidence! Loved this post, Sarah!

  34. By missjoules on February 06, 2011

    Oh Sarah, I am still afraid of laughing (the irrational fear that your uterus is going to fall out does eventually fade, right??) and I think I’m going to have to stay away from here for a few more days. So sorry this happened to you, but thank you for sharing!

  35. By Lauren @ Hobo Mama on February 08, 2011

    Oh, my gosh, I about died laughing. I once had an incident at camp where I farted during the general singalong gathering during a quiet moment — and then wouldn’t cop to it. My cabin mates all hated me, because they were sure everyone thought it was one of them, then. So if anyone from Woodbine is reading — yes, it was me. I admit it.

  36. By Jaimie on February 10, 2011

    HILARIOUS- reminded me of when I was in the 6th grade in history class, we were all in a circle and it was dead silent.  I farted on a metal chair and it reverbed through the whole class. EVERY junior higher in my class said “EWWW!“ and picked up their chairs and moved away from me.  I was left sitting there alone, and the teacher was not amused.  I also got a reputation from that, all the way to college where I was presented the “Fart Award” from my floor.  I feel your pain, sista.


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