Dear Child.
February 08, 2012

Dear Child,

Yesterday a social worker came to our house to talk to your father and me.  We answered what felt like thousands of questions over the course of five hours.  For months we have dreaded this meeting, but now it is over and here we are: one step closer to finding you and bringing you home.

Your sister is naturally over the moon about this.  You will find that, for better or for worse, we are a very inclusive family.  Your father and I believe that children learn how to maintain healthy family relationships by being active participants in family affairs.  Your sister cannot count to ten (she always skips seven), but I’ll be damned if she doesn’t have a rudimentary understanding of adoption.  She may not know you yet, but with everything she has, your sister loves you to her very core.

Your Gigi and Poppa (your great-grandparents) are visiting right now and last week when I told Charlotte about this she immediately ran to her art cabinet and busted out all the supplies she would need to craft them a masterpiece.  She spent nearly forty minutes on it – glittering, gluing, drawing, collaging together a work of art – and then she Could. Not. give it to them.  “This is for my brother or, or my sister,” she said.  “They need beautiful art too, Momma.  I will make another one for Gigi.  Yeah.”

Your father and I think of you always as well.  In many ways, I think that the emotions involved in the adoptive process are much stronger and more difficult to reckon with than the emotions associated with pregnancy.  When I was expecting your sister, any time I worried about her, I rubbed my belly and there she was.

Waiting for you is different.  When we worry about you, there is no reassurance.  There is only empty, unknowing, agonizing silence.

In a crowded place, I look around and wonder: are you here?  Have I ever seen you in a grocery store or at a park and simply not known?  When I am driving, I am curious: are your foster parents driving right now too?  Are you in that car to my left?  Are you waiting at the bus stop I just passed?  Sometimes I just stop in the middle of a moment and worry about you.  Are you safe?  Are you happy?  Do you feel loved?  Are you afraid?

Sometimes, either your father or I look at the other…and we instantly know what the other one is thinking.  We’re missing you, wishing you were here, hoping that soon you will never miss another moment with your family.  It doesn’t matter if that moment is a family gathering or playing a riveting game of Memory or just bouncing balls together in the living room – we’re missing you.

Lately, in what can only be described as the adoptive equivalent of nesting, your sister and I have also begun saving souvenirs to show you – little trinkets of a family history that is yours as much as it is hers or mine.  A placeholder from a wedding you might enjoy playing with, a stuffed animal from your father’s childhood that I found forgotten in the closet, a little rock your sister found in the creek that is shaped like a heart.

We all love you, kiddo.

I hope we get to say that to you in person sooner than later, my darling.  I really do.  In two weeks we find out the results of our clinical interviews – what the adoption agency feels our strengths and weaknesses are as a family, if they feel that we need family counseling to prepare us for the difficulties of parenting a neglected or abused child, etc.  We all have our fingers crossed right now that in two weeks we can start attending meetings.

Because after a few months of orientation meetings, all that’s left is waiting for a phone call.  THE phone call.  The one that brings you home.

Momma (and Daddy and Charlotte)

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  1. By Sarah on February 08, 2012

    beautiful Sarah. This child is going to be so blessed

  2. By on February 08, 2012

    This brought tears to my eyes, so beautifully written. I cannot wait until we’re financially ready to start down this path as well. You’re words give me hope at what is to come for my family, thank you.

  3. By on February 08, 2012

    This made me cry (the good kind)

  4. By on February 08, 2012

    Sarah, that was beautiful! I can relate on so many of those feelings. Since my mini breakdown a few weeks ago, I have felt a renewed sense of passion and excitement about adoption. And I totally get the whole “adoptive nesting” thing, lol. Last week, I rewashed and lanolized all 11 of the wool and alpaca diaper covers that I own. And I not only washed my flat cloth diapers that have been packed away for over 2 years, but I IRONED them. Yes, I ironed diapers, lol. I hope everything moves along quickly for you. We will finally be starting our homestudy any time now. I am just waiting on the darn phone call!

    Are you planning to foster to adopt, or adopt a child whose parental rights are already terminated?

  5. By Molly @ Little Stories Everywhere on February 08, 2012

    You are such a beautiful mommy! Your children to be are so blessed to have you:).

  6. By on February 09, 2012

    These letters are such ana mazing gift to your child.

  7. By carolina on February 09, 2012

    i love this letter. you guys are an amazing family. can’t wait to hear about the child, when they arrive :o)

  8. By on February 10, 2012

    we too have started the process to become approved to foster/adopt! we have 2 sons and are so eager to add to our family. your post describes exactly what we have been feeling lately. good luck to you!

  9. By tracey on February 10, 2012

    Hoping that the phone call comes SOON. I cannot imagine not knowing. As you said, with pregnancy, your child is RIGHT THERE. You can see and feel their health and safety. Sending you lots of strength for these days leading up to your child’s placement…

  10. By Casey on February 12, 2012

    This is such a beautiful letter - so sweet!

    I found this post when Jewely Bug linked up for Lots of Link Love with me this week. I hope you’ll consider checking it out, and maybe even link up with my for the next Lots of Link Love on February 25th!

  11. By Courtney Fullerton on March 06, 2012

    Catching up on your blog tonight, this entry brought me to tears.  Thinking of you on your journey to the next baby.  Good luck!





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