Dear Child.
May 01, 2012

Dear Child,

On the fourth day of March, your father and I found out that we are expecting your (probably younger) brother or sister.

At first I cried.  The adoption agency we are working with requires that we wait until this new baby’s first birthday before accepting a foster-adopt placement.  This pregnancy was unplanned and, IRONY!, actions were even taken to prevent it.  Crying was the only thing I could think to do.  It’s not that your sibling was unwanted, because nothing could be further from the truth.  It’s that…well…when we decided to put all of our eggs in the foster-adoption basket, I tossed my heart in for good measure.  I wanted to put all of me - everything I had - into the process the same way that I put all of me into a pregnancy.  In a lot of ways, finding out that we had to postpone bringing you home has been similar to dealing with the loss of a pregnancy, something I never expected.

The hardest part of learning about this pregnancy has been learning to live with the guilt that we are, in effect, putting a biological child’s needs first.  But I want you to know this because this is very important: You were the first person I thought of.  Are we letting you down?  What if you need us RIGHT NOW?  Have we lost you?  Will we ever find you?  Will the decreased spacing between you and your siblings harm your relationships with them and theirs with you?  The worry consumed me for weeks.  When I ordered my momma necklace a few weeks later, I made sure that an egg was put in the nest for you.  Every time I touch the necklace, I think of you and wonder about you and worry about you.

Your father is and always has been the more rational of the two of us.  Calm down, he said, this baby is a good thing.  We are still going to adopt; we are probably still going to adopt more than once.  It will all work out, this will all be okay.

This baby will teach Charlotte how to be a sibling so that when you come, she is more realistic about the challenges presented and what siblinghood means.  This baby will help her and us to be more prepared for your arrival and more patient with your needs.  And maybe, your father said, this baby came now so that our family’s door was not open until you were ready for us - maybe you aren’t in the system yet or your case hasn’t progressed to the point of adoption, maybe you need us to wait.

Your father is right, of course.  This child, your sibling, is a good thing.  We are all very excited to meet them, hold them, share our home and our life with them.  We are all very much in love with this new life, even if it is only a few months old.  And the more my belly stretches to encompass them, the more excited we are.

But it is very important to me that when you grow old enough to read these letters, you know this: we are all very much in love with and excited about you too.  You and your siblings – be they adopted or biological – are the very best things that have ever happened to our family.  YOU, you are what life is all about.  The SECOND that we can, your father and I will move mountains to bring you home.  Our hands are tied for now, but we are taking advantage of this time to prepare our house and our family for you.

I hope you know that you have always been wanted and that you are always loved.  We will find you.  And in about eighteen months, we WILL bring you home.  Every day between now and then that we are apart, we are thinking of you and loving you and waiting impatiently for the day that we can all be together.  Me.  Your dad.  Your sister.  This new baby.  And you.

Momma and Daddy

** Charlotte is two years and nine months old.  I am thirteen weeks pregnant.

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  1. By on May 01, 2012

    Now you understand how I felt… Remember when I said I was envious you were adopting (even though I was pregnant) because twice (TWICE!!) we were on the road to adoption, committed, and accidently got pregnant? I felt like I would never get to adopt. It’s not that I was disappointed about the pregnancy (not at all!), it’s just, my heart and soul was completely devoted to adopting, and I was sad to let that dream go. More and more I feel like it’s never going to happen.

    Anyway, you’ve got two dreams about to become a reality, and one happened to move passed the other. It’s all good. It takes a long time to build a family. Just take it step by step. Enjoy the pregnancy!

  2. By Alicia S. on May 01, 2012

    This made me think of your five hundred and fifty-eight days post from a while back. It’s amazing how your family has evolved since then into this big, happy 5+ person family and you can talk now about Charlotte not just having A brother or sister, but having at least two. Amazing how life works.

    I don’t know if you remember, but at the same time you had your loss, a good friend of mine had a stillborn son after having very serious fertility issues. Wouldn’t you know, though?  She now has a very healthy, bouncing baby boy despite every hurtle, against so many odds.

    I do love me a happy ending! :-)

  3. By on May 01, 2012

    At least once a week, your blog makes me cry big sobby weeping tears. You’ve done it again.
    I cannot wait to watch your family grow, not just in your heart, but in name, face, everything, from 3 to 5 to more, even.

  4. By Leslie on May 01, 2012

    Aw…very sweet letter. Just found you from the momblogs board….Congratulations on your pregnancy as well as this adoption!


  5. By on May 01, 2012

    I think this is so beautiful.  I hope more and more people begin to view adopting as just as viable and wonderful option as having biological children.

  6. By tracey on May 01, 2012

    This is incredibly sweet and totally beautiful.

    I cannot imagine how conflicted you must feel, but Donald is totally right. Your child isn’t ready for you yet. It will all make sense in a few years…

  7. By on May 02, 2012

    Thank you so much for this post - it makes me feel like less of a horrible person for having been sad about my current pregnancy. I am 20 weeks with number 2 (we will not be having any more) but our daughter is only 13 months. I have felt so guilty since we found out we were expecting again (it was a big surprise!) because at first I honestly did not want to be pregnant. I feel like having such a close gap I will miss out on special time with my daughter - she is still just a baby herself! Now that I am getting lots of kicks I am getting excited about this bub but like you, it is hard to ignore the feeling that another child is missing out because of the pregnancy.

  8. By heather on May 02, 2012

    I was wondering how pregnancy would effect your adoption. This makes me sad because I know how much you want this child and this pregnancy. The world works in strange ways though and surely these events have occurred for a reason and everything will work out perfectly in the end.

  9. By on May 03, 2012

    Beautiful. So often your writing touches my heart. Thank you for your words.

  10. By on May 16, 2012

    Hmmm, lovely.
    And interesting.
    March 4th, eh?
    March forth.





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