22 weeks: on love.
July 02, 2012

Dear Baby,

Your occupation of my womb closes out its twenty-second week today.  It has been a momentous week for you and me.  This is the week that I really started to fall head-over-heels, crazy, irrevocably in love with you.

See that yard behind me?  The big pregnancy family goal is to metamorphose this space (80 feet x 80 feet) into a raised-bed vegetable garden.  DOWN WITH THE GOPHERS!

The truth of the matter is that your existence and then the months of morning sickness took me by such surprise that I never stopped to appreciate the fact that you were here.  It was remarkably difficult for me to value the miracle of life while simultaneously mourning the loss of our adoptive hopes.  If I felt excitement about you, I worried that I was betraying your (one day) adoptive sibling and I worried that it wasn’t fair to Aurora.  And if I felt sadness about postponing our adoption or grief over the baby we lostt, I worried that I was betraying you.

But last weekend when I was up all night with the bladder infection/diarrhea/vomit trifecta, there you were.  Every time I felt like I could not possibly go on, I felt you move within my belly.

I’m sure you were probably just stretching or experiencing involuntary kicks as a result of an immature nervous system, but in those moments, it felt like you were a compassionate soul reaching out to me.  Like you were saying “hang in there, Momma.  I’m here with you.  You can do this.”

So I hung in there.

Not without whining ceaselessly, but whatever.  Your father will be more than happy to spend the rest of this pregnancy reminding me that I’ve already used up my allotted number of complaints.  I was really just doing him a favor.

Anyway, as each day stretched into the next, I began to feel attached to you in a way that I just hadn’t before.  I began to feel more excited and less guilty.  I began to really WONDER about you, about who you are, about what your laugh will sound like and what color your hair will be and who you will resemble.  A few nights ago, after the antibiotics had kicked in, I told your father that for the first time I could see myself ENJOYING this pregnancy.

That’s my goal now: to take time to enjoy this pregnancy.  These days with you alone, just the two of us, is fleeting and I want to make sure that when I look back on the earliest days of your life, the joy in the memories outweighs everything else.

Um.  Outtakes.  So.  Yeah, look, I’m sorry, but I have a lot of really cool ideas…and once they’re out of my brain, only like 2% of them actually end up being cool.

So here we are, twenty-two weeks down, another sixteen to twenty to go (hopefully).  Thank you for coming into our lives and for everything you are going to add to our family.  We are all so very looking forward to meeting you, but in the meantime…

...thank you for re-awakening in me the understanding that EVERY child is a miracle.  Thank you for showing me in those awful hours of the night that you are with me.  I’m with you too, kiddo.  I always will be.

Momma (and Daddy, of course – he deserves some credit since he’s spent the last week putting up with my sorry ass!)

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  1. By on July 02, 2012

    Um, that middle picture in the outtakes—totally a Charlotte face!  Love :)

  2. By Ashley on July 02, 2012

    Totally agree: that is a Charlotte face.

    I’m so glad you are starting to feel better and relax into your pregnancy. I can’t wait to see how stinking adorable this baby is going to be.

  3. By Amber on July 02, 2012

    LOVE THESE!!!  And I agree with the previous two commenters about the Charlotte face ;)

  4. By Sarah Christensen on July 02, 2012

    A Charlotte face?  LOL, this is going to make me curious for awhile now.  I’ll have to keep a closer eye out on her expressions!

  5. By Megan R. on July 02, 2012

    Outtakes are some of my favorite pictures of all time.  They really deserve to have a spotlight now and again!  Thanks for sharing!

  6. By Alicia S. on July 03, 2012

    Haha!! That is a Charlotte face! I had to scroll back up and then I laughed out loud a little! So cute :-)

  7. By on July 03, 2012

    I glad you are starting to enjoy this pregnancy. I remember reading through your post when you were pregnant with Charlotte and how happy and in love with pregnancy you were. I myself, hated being pregnant. Couldn’t stand it. Not looking forward to doing it again soon. But I really really like the outcome of pregnancy. Enjoy the next 20 weeks!





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