Wrong again.
April 03, 2013

My pregnancy with Evelyn was filled with a persistent fear that I would birth her and find myself incapable of loving her.  It seemed inconceivable to me that I might love another child as fervently as I loved Charlotte.  I also worried that I might resent her because she interrupted our adoption and was conceived while I was still actively mourning our loss.

And then she was born.  And she was perfect.  And she was mine.

Evelyn will be five months old this week.  I have loved her more quietly than I loved her sister.  I have loved her more steadily.  I have loved her more reverently.

When Charlotte was born, I often spent long hours watching her sleep and longing for the days when she would walk and run and jump.  What color would her eyes be?  When would she crawl?  What would her voice sound like?  I have always loved Charlotte exuberantly.  I love her big personality, her loud voice, her fearless nature, her fierce curiosity.

But Evie, my Evie, is a different bird.  I love her silence, her husky growls, her cautious nature.  And, oh, be still my heart, the look of utter contentment that comes across her face as she sleeps pressed against my body.  I often spend long hours sleeping beside her, enjoying the moment, reluctant to let it pass.  We are still getting to know each other, the two of us, and I am appreciating every second.

Two different girls.

Two different ways of adoring them.

But in the end, I love them equally.  When I cradle my daughters in my arms, I am holding my everything and I cannot help but love them both with every fiber of my being.

It really is true that parenthood expands your heart in unforeseen ways.  I have never in my life been more thankful to find that my fears were unfounded.

** Charlotte is three years and eight months old.  Evie is (almost) five months old.

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  1. By on April 03, 2013

    Oh Sarah, I understand that fear. Only Makenna I felt numb for a long time after she was born (post partum depression struck hard) (plus other happenings). I swore I would never love a child as much as arianna, I felt it deep down that it just wasn’t possible, I resented being pregnant with makenna so many issues. But now? Oh goodness now…. I couldn’t imagine not loving her more than life. Its a terrible feeling not knowing if you would be able to love your baby enough, but its amazing to find out,  just how wrong you were. It doesn’t help that Evie is stinking adoreable!!!

  2. By on April 03, 2013

    Oh, that first photo of your daughter is so beautiful! I had the exact same fear when I was pregnant with my son. I loved my daughter so completely, she was so perfect, so perfect for our family and I could not imagine how I would love another child the same (and a boy no less!). Then he arrived and it was like he had always been a part of our family. Like we were missing something before and just didn’t know it. Now I cannot imagine our life without his heart of pure joy, his exuberance and his sparkly spirit. and now, I really don’t understand how you could love one child more than the other. Like at the moment - yes. Love? no.

  3. By on April 03, 2013

    I love this story, because I am having that same fear. REALLY SCARED. Am I even going to heed the second? And my other fear is that I will “break up” with the first to focus on the second.

  4. By on April 03, 2013

    I had that same fear too! But once I looked in her eyes all I could think was love. Its hard to imagine not knowing how I could love her, but it was an odd guilty feeling I had for a few months prior to her birth.

  5. By on April 04, 2013

    Luke described our love for other children has having different pockets of love. Once we have our first child, we think that there would be no way we could ever love another child as much…. That’s because the first child opened up that first love pocket. With every child you have, a new pocket is opened and oozing love spills out.

    I like that metaphor.

  6. By Charlotte on April 05, 2013

    Lovely post, and she is a beautiful baby!

  7. By Lindsey on April 08, 2013

    Mmmmmbaaaa look at those dimples.


  8. By on April 08, 2013

    I really really REALLY like your website! A lot.
    Thanks for being funny, witty, charming, and saying ass a lot.
    I just found this blog today. I will be following it for quite some time, methinks.

  9. By on April 09, 2013

    Holy shit, you have a cute baby.

  10. By Rebecca on April 10, 2013

    I LOVE this. Almost makes me ready for #2. Not quite, but almost. :)

  11. By on April 10, 2013

    Are you still working your 9-5, dead in job?
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    Then check out this short little video explaining how to make this a reality.

  12. By on April 11, 2013

    I love reading your blog! I have my second on the way and following your feelings and challenges and everything with two makes me more happy and excited to meet my second little one.

    Thanks for writing this post!

  13. By Gillian on April 27, 2013

    Oh these photos are too wonderful! I love your words as well :)





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