The sad part is that I only have myself to blame.
May 23, 2013

To understand what happened to me this week, you need a little bit of background information and that little bit is this: I like the bathroom quiet.

Charlotte learned this much very early in life.  She is free to be as loud as she wants in most of this house, but I reign over bathroom silence with an iron fist.  I like my hygiene and bodily functions tended to in peace, thankyouverymuch.  There is no unnecessary talking or noise allowed when: someone is on the toilet, someone is in the shower, teeth are being brushed, a diaper is being changed, or I am cutting Donald’s hair.

So.

Yesterday.

Yesterday morning I took the girls to a playdate at a nearby park.  We left a little later than I had intended to, but I still made the decision to try to run a grocery errand on the way home.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but within about two minutes of entering the market I was made acutely aware of the fact that the last-minute errand was actually one of the worst ideas I have ever had as a parent.  Charlotte was so exhausted that she was just bouncing off the walls to keep herself awake.  She pushed the cart into an unsuspecting fellow customer, went running down the aisle, and generally made me question why it is that preschool-aged children are allowed on the planet at all.

I mean, really.

So with superhuman speed, I gathered what we needed and wrangled the beast and got us up to the cash register.  Charlotte’s behavior did not improve while we waited in line.  She was just…awful.  I love my kid, but let’s call a spade a spade, it was miserable.  She was exhausted, I was frustrated and everyone around us was suffering because of my mistake.  I am generally an exceedingly patient person with children, but I could tell that I was losing my cool and then Charlotte knocked over a display case and I lost every bit of calm I had left.  I reached out, grabbed her wrists, and pulled her face within an inch of mine.

“I have had ENOUGH!” I hissed at her.  “BE QUIET AND STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!”

Instantly, Charlotte responded.  “Why, Momma?  Are you pooping?  In your pants?  At the grocery store?”

And then, looking more scandalized than a three-year-old ever has any business looking, she yelled out. “MOMMA!  WHY ARE YOU POOPING IN YOUR PANTS AT THE GROCERY STORE?!”


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(18) Comments | Permalink
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  1. By Jennifer on May 23, 2013

    Did you die from laughter or embarrassment first?

  2. By sarah@crazylovegamblestyle on May 23, 2013

    OH MY GOODNESS.  That is way too funny!  What a great story.  That really had to suck in the moment but it should keep you laughing for EVER.  : )

  3. By Mary @ Parenthood on May 24, 2013

    LOL - I love three year olds :)

  4. By on May 24, 2013

    I’m convinced that children are put on earth to keep us humble.  Good thing she is a cutie

  5. By momiss on May 24, 2013

    Oh, my, my, my, my.  Poor Sarah.  She got you.  She got you in the worst way.  I am so sorry, but that is so very funny, and it is bound to happen sooner or later.  With each child, btw.  lol Your only hope is that she doesn’t realize that she got you, because 3 year olds have to be taught about mercy. ;)
    Here’s to the upcoming lesson on mercy!

  6. By Sarah Christensen on May 24, 2013

    Momiss - I’m pretty sure she knows!  She’s been retelling the story - the cashier was laughing so hard she was having trouble ringing us up lol.  Now I have to hope she doesn’t just start screaming this sort of thing at random intervals!

    Jennifer - EMBARRASSMENT!  I felt like the entire store stopped moving.  I mean, I don’t think anyone actually thought I was pooping in my pants, but an awful lot of people suddenly seemed to go quiet to watch us and laugh.  I thought I would die on the spot!

  7. By on May 24, 2013

    Thanks for making me laugh out loud at the start of my day. Funniest. Story. Ever.

  8. By on May 24, 2013

    Laughed so hard I cried…at work.  Thank you for this.

  9. By Valerie on May 24, 2013

    Wahaha!  Oh kids, I can only imagine how red my face would have been if my 3 year old said that. :)

  10. By Crystal on May 24, 2013

    I just laughed out loud :)

  11. By Court on May 25, 2013

    I think I just died a little bit.  Pretty sure I would have melted right into the floor.  Don’t worry, you’ll get her back one day when she’s about 15 or so.  ;)

  12. By on May 25, 2013

    Holy crap that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard! Thanks for making me laugh!

  13. By elizabeth Mackey on May 26, 2013

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH This made my morning :)

    This will be one of those stories that will be told many times at family gatherings for years to come!! Funny!

  14. By Ashley on May 26, 2013

    oh my goodness, this is awesome.  i have had such situations myself - when my 98% of the time angelic child turns crazy and I don’t know how to handle it… thanks for the story, it made my da.

  15. By Lindsey on May 27, 2013

    This is one of the best things I have ever read.

  16. By on May 28, 2013

    Thank you so much for the laugh!!! I needed it. HILARIOUS!

  17. By Sarah on May 29, 2013

    Oh my goodness, too funny!  Thanks for sharing.  Wonder if that unsuspecting customer heard it?:)

  18. By Tracey B. on June 08, 2013

    Oh my! Yep. Definitely one of those stories that HAS to be written down for posterity.


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