Sarah and the Orbs of Wonder.
June 17, 2009

Strangers spend an awful lot of time gawking at my belly.  And I understand this, I do.  Pregnancy may be one of the most natural processes that the female body can perform, but it is rather odd-looking.  The eye is accustomed to certain lines and shapes on a human body and pregnancy defies all normalcy.  So I understand the gawking.

What I don’t understand is why people gawk AT MY BELLY.  The real attraction here is my boobs.

I mean, SERIOUSLY, have you seen these things?  I go through a bra size in about ten minutes flat.  My nipples enter the room AT LEAST two weeks before the rest of my body.  Bra straps?  INEFFECTIVE.  The girls will not be held hostage to a couple of super-sized swaths of fabric.  Pregnancy, for all it’s peculiarities, has given me FANTASTIC breasts.

FANTASTIC.

The only downside is that, you know, here I’ve got FANTASTIC breasts for the first time in my life, boobs worth the ogling, but there’s also a belly the size of Mars sitting right underneath them. And a belly the size of Mars is the sort of rare sight that most peoples’ eyeballs cannot resist.  So my boobs are not quite receiving the attention they deserve.

Well, if you really want to be a stickler for DETAILS, I suppose that isn’t entirely true.  The future functions of my breasts – namely, whether or not I plan to use them to sustain human life BECAUSE BREASTMILK IS LIQUID GOLD (who knew?) (this curious alchemy was not included in my college physics lecture I WOULD LIKE A REFUND) – has been a very popular topic.  So in that respect, my boobs have been very popular.

And OKAY, I admit, it isn’t the ONLY downside.  I have these FANTASTIC breasts and all, but…well…it turns out that FANTASTIC breasts come with two things: a) itchy nipples, CAN WE HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR MY POOR, ITCHY NIPPLES?, and b) stretchmarks.

On second thought, maybe strangers SHOULD only gawk at my belly…


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  1. By lceel on June 17, 2009

    I like that ... “Orbs Of Wonder”.  Wonderful.  I would REALLY like to comment with more than that - something more germane, if you will.  There’s a dirty old man that lives between my ears that would just LOVE to jump right out there and let himself loose all over this post - BUT !!!  (Big BUT here)  You don’t know me - nor I you - very well.  There is the risk of alienation.  Other people I read, and who read me, know me better and would take the ‘Dirty Old Man’ comment and laugh it off.  But like i said - i don’t know you very well.  Yet.

    So let’s just say that I’m glad you have fantastic breasts for the first time - and let it go at that.

  2. By Jennifer W. on June 17, 2009

    I don’t want to scare you or anything, but enjoy those suckers while they’re just big, not humongously swollen big or deflated and floppy.  Welcome to the club.

  3. By Vicky on June 17, 2009

    I LOVED my boobs when I was breast feeding, meaning I went from an A to a C Woohoo Rock on!!  Except hubby could not enjoy them! LOL

  4. By Babing at High Altitude on June 17, 2009

    Don’t forget the LEAKY NIPPLES! I have finally gotten used to that wonderful little gem of mom boobs. I gave up on the pads. Now I just fill my days with endless entertainment of watching people desperately try to not gawk at the rapidly expanding wet circles on my mountainous front as the wee one and I stroll through the grocery store. Don’t worry, those boobs will get PLENTY of attention when the belly is gone.

  5. By Crystal on June 17, 2009

    I agree with Jennifer up there. Also, just wait until you’re leaking a trail of breastmilk all over your shirt and your boobs are hard as rocks. You won’t be so fond of them then.

  6. By repliderium.com on June 17, 2009

    I think that’s why you get such great boobs- because the powers that be know it’s the last time they’ll be fantastic…

  7. By Aunt Becky on June 17, 2009

    With my last pregnancy, I had to wear a huge walking cast on my left foot and I will tell you without a doubt, people GAPED. It was like living in a fishbowl.

  8. By Chocolate and Whine on June 17, 2009

    Don’t fret. Your boobs will eventually get the attention they deserve. They’ll stay fantastic for some time after the babe is born. Except then there’ll be a head attached to them, so… maybe not.

  9. By erin on June 17, 2009

    DH is LOVING my nursing boobs.  Except that they are so sensitive that he is not allowed to look at them lest he cause the air to move.  I cannot even imagine what will happen when we start having sex again. :)

  10. By Restless Mama on June 17, 2009

    Surprsingly enough I was actually happy that my son’s father wasn’t in the picture after giving birth to Aidan because my boobs were incredibly sensitive.  I didn’t want anyone touching them and although I enjoyed nursing my son I also hated it.  It hurt and my boobs were uncontrolable!  Let’s squirt the baby in the face or let’s make it hurt when I put on a shirt! 
    So yes it’s awesome having super sized breasts but with those come ugly consequences.  Enjoy them while they’re squirt free…or maybe you’ll have a little fun with the squirting.  I kinda did. 
    The female body is AMAZING!

  11. By kbreints on June 17, 2009

    LOL… You funny girl…

    What is not so funny is when you stop breast feeding and those fantastic boos…. are smaller then before you were pregnant.

    Nope, that is not funny AT ALL.

  12. By Kate on June 17, 2009

    So funny, I remember those days…they weren’t so long ago.  The difference was that I already have huge boobs and so they became big enough that I may have missed a career in the circus.  Then when my son was born, they got even bigger.  I was seriously not sure that I wouldn’t fall down from the weight of them.  Good thing I had the baby weight to balance it out!

  13. By Elizabeth on June 17, 2009

    Yes, delightful aren’t they?
    Warning: your milk is going to come in…
    Sorry to rain on your parade.  I look forward to reading what you have to say about that experience ? hehe

  14. By Adventures In Babywearing on June 17, 2009

    Ohhh… just had to laugh!!

    Steph

  15. By Emilie on June 18, 2009

    Hello Sarah ! this is my first comment on your blog. i’ve been reading it for a while and i find it wonderful, funny, honest ! i just wanted to say “                                “ - here, that was my minute of silence for your poor nipples. My 26 weeks pregnant belly and nipples are itching too. A LOT

  16. By Lori on June 18, 2009

    Yes, the boobs become amazing during pregnancy and even more so after wards.  Same for me, I have boobs for the first time in my life!

  17. By Joe @ IrrationalDad on June 18, 2009

    My wife had ample boobs pre-pregnancy, so they got scary big as the baby grew. We actually celebrated the day that her belly FINALLY stuck out further than her boobs.

  18. By MommyNamedApril on June 18, 2009

    i had great boobs once… and then they deflated :-/

  19. By Elizabeth on June 19, 2009

    I call the post-breastfeeding boobs “flappers.“ :(


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