Husband as smart ass.
September 01, 2009

-  You know what, Donald?  None of this childbearing crap is fair.  NONE OF IT.

-  What do you mean?

-  Like.  First, I’m the one who has to bear all of the discomforts of pregnancy.  THEN, I’m the one who has to go through labor.  THEN, I’m the one who has to push a seven pound baby out of her body.  THEN, I’m the one who has to spend six weeks recovering from childbirth - five of them BLEEDING.  And on top of that, I’m the one whose nipples suffer at the hands of the almighty breastfeeding.  Which means that I’m the one who has to suffer through breast infections and nipple tenderness and the like.  At what point does the man have his 50% of the pain?

-  Um.

-  See?  See what I mean?  It’s not fair, is it?

-  Well.  Men have marriage.  Does that count?  I mean, that’s pretty severe emotional trauma.

What has made you laugh lately?  (Come on: SPILL.  I want to hear the good jokes, the funny conversations, the clumsy moments; let’s all have a laugh!)

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  1. By on September 01, 2009

    My 3 year old daughter was running outside and fell face first on the driveway (wait, no, that’s not the funny part) She had a small gash in her upper lip. At lunch she asked for chips. I responded “I don’t think that is going to be very comfortable on your lip, it might burn.“ Later that evening as my husband and I were getting dinner ready, my daughter entered the kitchen, saw the dinner, and then looked up at the two of us and said “I don’t think I am going to be comfortable with that.“ My husband had missed what had gone on earlier. He looked at her in confusion and then just busted up laughing.

  2. By C @ Kid Things on September 01, 2009

    This is a joke my 5 year old was telling all day yesterday:

    Knock, knock,
    who’s there?
    Window who?
    Window are you made of glass!

    I don’t get it either, but it cracked him up.

  3. By gretchen from lifenut on September 01, 2009

    My kids are way into hobos lately. Hobos are a big part of tween culture, thanks to shows like iCarly. One of my sons has written comic books about a dude named Santa Hobo.

    Anyway, my two eldest boys were bickering. One said to the other the new ultimate insult: “If you were a hobo, I wouldn’t give you ANYTHING!“


  4. By sarahgrace on September 01, 2009

    I’m 30 wks pregnant, and last night after watching my walk around and then putting his hands on my belly, my hubby says to me, “You’re like a Weeble.“

  5. By Napmom on September 01, 2009

    sarahgrace’s comment made me think of my dear husband’s own mistake…

    I was like VERY pregnant and getting ready for bed.  I threw on a pair of pajama pants (that hung UNDER my belly at this point) and a top (that was a bit snug at this point).  Thus, the middle of my stomach was hangin’ out a bit.

    Dear husband looked at me and said, “What?  Are you a Winnie-the-Pooh impersonator?“

  6. By erin on September 01, 2009

    Brian’s best friend is in a band called Prevail.  Brian told me that he calls him up and asks him things klike “Prevail much today?“ and “How are you prevailing?“  For some reason, when he told me that, I found that absolutely hysterical and laughed for like five minutes straight.

  7. By on September 01, 2009

    My 6 year old daughter was taking a shower last week and I called in and told her to let me know when she wanted me to help her wash her hair and she said as soon as I am done washing my balls Mom. I said hunny you don’t have balls you’re a girl and she said Mom come here look, these are my balls. A friend had given her some golf balls and she was washing them.

  8. By My Baby Sweetness on September 01, 2009

    OK, here are my two -

    During my first trimester, I was very sick.  One day I jumped out of bed to run to the bathroom to be sick.  I hobbled back and my husband starting comforting me and saying, I’m sorry you feel sick. Then he said - you know, I just can’t help but feel like this is somehow MY fault…  I couldn’t stop laughing!

    The second was a few weeks after the baby was born and I was hormonal / moody / trying to figure out what on earth I was doing.  I looked at my husband and a thought suddenly dawned on me.  I told him - you know, I knew I wanted to be a parent. It’s just I never realized - I wanted to be a DAD, not a MOM!

  9. By Stephanie on September 01, 2009

    Oh dear. Everyday in my house, is a day of laughter. Mostly because my husband can’t speak, most of the time. Here’s a few of my favorites:

    akumna nakata - Supposed to be Akuna Matata - Lion King Theme Song

    I brather - Supposed to be I’d rather

    obeest - Supposed to be obese

    LMAO, he’s a dork.

  10. By on September 01, 2009

    After an OB appointment, my husband asked me (thankfully not in front of the doctor), “So did you always have a uterus or did you grow one just for this?“.

  11. By beyond on September 01, 2009

    you can read a conversation i had with my husband here:
    it involves topless dancers. and skiing in france.

  12. By on September 01, 2009

    I remember sitting in our child birthing class and looking at my husband & saying, “If there was ever any doubt, I now know for certain that God is a man.  This is just all too unfair!!  No female entity would ever design it this way!!“.

    This was said to the man who once came into the ladies room afterhours at his job and said, “Napkins? For 25 cents? We don’t have napkins in our bathroom!“. 

    Also, on occasion I’ve asked him if he can see my panty line.  One day we were in a drugstore and he was just about to pass a big display of pantyliners and he completely stopped in his tracks, motioned to it and whispered, “have you seen these? Maybe that would solve your problem?“.

    He has a friend that for SOME REASON had gone all the way into his early 20’s thinking that “knocked up” meant having sex. This was back in the late 90’s.  There was a conversation once that went,
    “So, you & “Jennifer”... Have you knocked her up yet?
    “Um. NO!“
    “What do you mean?? Don’t you want to??“
    “NO!!  Are you kidding?  That’s really not the place I’m at right now.
    “Not the place you’re at right now??  WHAT IS WRONG with you??!!  Man, you’ve got to knock her up! 
    Alright…I’m just telling you.  She’s going to get away.

    That story is one of my all time favorites!!  It’s going in the movie!  ;-)

  13. By Mrs. Sitcom on September 01, 2009

    SO funny.  We have conversations like this all the time at our house.  And of course I can remember none of them at the moment.  Mr. Perfect is quite hilarious…in an I-want-to-punch-him-sometimes kind of way. :) PS That kee-yoo-tee-pie baby is getting even cuter every day…SO CUTE!

  14. By on September 01, 2009

    No kids here yet, but my five nephews keep me entertained.  A few years ago my then five year old nephew asked his mom (my sister) in the middle of a restaurant how girls pee.  She quietly told him that girls don’t have a penis like boys do, but that we have a special place where pee comes out of. (no need to go into more details at that time).  He looked at her & said matter of factly, “oh, it’s in all that hair.“  Pretty sure that was the end of my sister changing in front of her kids.

  15. By tracey on September 02, 2009

    Oh man… These comments are cracking me up, too!

    Most recently? My 3 year old was sorting through her shapes, calling out what she found:

    “Circle, cirlce, square, square… Hey! Where’s all the CRAPezoids?!?“

    I nearly died.

  16. By Tabitha (From Single to Married) on September 03, 2009

    It’s so true!  Maybe their pain is having to pay for everything (going on the assumption that the woman is busy taking care of the child while the man works). Of course that’s not always the case…

    Wish I had something funny to share but I don’t.  I’ve laughed recently of course, but it was mostly just my husband and me being silly.  Those are the best times though and my favorite laughs.





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