Of sheep farts and barking spiders.
February 11, 2010

A few months ago, my father was reading a magazine while Charlotte took her morning nap when he looked up at me startled.  Like the magazine editor had somehow reached inside his brain and flipped a switch.

“It says here,” he said, “that scientists are concerned about the amount of methane that sheep farts produce and how that methane affects global warming.”  I was like, um, OKAY?  Two seconds ago, we were cooing over how beautiful my sleeping baby is AND NOW WE’RE TALKING ABOUT FLATULENT RUMINANTS?

“You know,” Dad continued, “what they should do instead of cutting down on sheep farts is just outlaw future pregnancies for you.  I’m pretty sure that in the nine months you carried Charlotte, you doubled our planet’s methane levels.”


Say WHAT?!

Now, I don’t know much about methane and I have no idea how much methane a sheep releases when it breaks wind.  It’s just not something that ever really interested me.  Studying sheep farts is right up there with dissecting cockroaches in my book.

But I do know a thing or two about how my body functions when it is incubating a small nutrient-sucking parasite (which has since, by the way, been upgraded into a poop-flinging monkey) (albeit a very adorable poop-flinging monkey).  So I happen to know that my father has a point.

My pregnancy was pretty much fueled by farts.  I was a farting MACHINE.  Very early on, I resigned myself to the fact that not only would the hiss of my own gas be waking me up every morning, but my every waddle would also be accompanied by the tooting of little pregnant trumpet cherubs.

And it was like that.  You think I’m exaggerating, but if there were a penny for every time I cut the cheese while pregnant, ten hot cabana boys would be cleaning the pool I don’t have RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.

These days, my daughter is the one who is powered by fart energy.  Every time those cute little butt cheeks let one rip, we exclaim BARKING SPIDERS!  And, as is only fitting for the child of a particularly flatulent gestation, she farts a lot.  Quite a lot, actually.  As soon as I finish exclaiming SPIDERS!, I hardly have time to take a breath before I need to start exclaiming BARKING! again.

Now that I think about it, my father might have a point.  Between Charlotte and me, we have almost certainly pushed the planet into peril.  And if we haven’t yet, well, don’t worry.  WE ARE WELL ON OUR WAY.

Toot toot.


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  1. By Melissa on February 11, 2010

    I think I love your dad.

  2. By Megan R. on February 11, 2010

    Leave it to a father to point out something so…well, so…ummm….interesting!  ha!  That is great.  I think my Finnley is “helping the cause”....of destroying the planet and all.  Dads and Babies.  Gotta love ‘em!

  3. By E @ Oh! Apostrophe on February 11, 2010

    Can your dad start a blog please?

    :)

  4. By Sarah A. Schlothan Christensen on February 11, 2010

    E - He has my blog!

  5. By JD on February 11, 2010

    You had me at “Ten hot cabana boys..“

  6. By Heidi on February 11, 2010

    Love the conversations we can have with our fathers…and the things pregnancy does to our bodes.

    We laugh and laugh at Molly’s farts.  The best are in the bathtub.  Then it’s like little motorboats in there with her.  Or how about when take the diaper off, and THEN she farts?  Whew…talk about potent.

  7. By sara on February 11, 2010

    Hilarious!  This post made my day.  It’s good to know I’m not the farting my way through pregnancy.

  8. By Sarah A. Schlothan Christensen on February 11, 2010

    Heidi - OH MY GOODNESS, THOSE ARE THE WORST.

    We always laugh because if she coughs or sneezes or laughs too hard, she farts.

  9. By Cambria Copeland on February 11, 2010

    I love your dad!  That’s hilarious.

    I have always been so discreet about my bodily functions and was only caught on two occasions with my first pregnancy… Until I had an epidural during labor.  Then all bets were off and all I could do was laugh about it, and fart more every time one slipped. Between that and pooping while pushing (and my other half asking if that was my “plug), all modesty went out the window.

  10. By Dandy on February 11, 2010

    B wants to know what the heck I’m giggling about.  So I yelled Sheep Farts and Barking Spiders.

    And he says, Oh, OK then and went back to what he was doing.

  11. By Sarah A. Schlothan Christensen on February 11, 2010

    Cambria - I gave birth at a teaching hospital.  I swear half the world’s population was traipsing through while my legs were in the stirrups.  All dignity GONE.

    Dandy - Sounds like our house!

  12. By Katelyn on February 11, 2010

    I once overheard one of my students tell my assistant:

    “Did you know Miss Emily that sometimes when my mom farts, she blames it on a barking spider.“ 

    I just about died laughing.  This made me chuckle :)

  13. By on February 11, 2010

    Is that last line in your post a very unconventional way of telling us you are pregnant?!

  14. By Sarah A. Schlothan Christensen on February 11, 2010

    Julie - Sadly, not.

    I’ll make it very obvious when I am, I promise!

  15. By Cynthia on February 11, 2010

    I didn’t think I had a flatulence issue when I was pregnant until Luke so blatantly said “Girls don’t have gas issues, except you when you’re pregnant.“ Damn it. I was quite the opposite of a lady when I was pregnant, drooling in my sleep, snoring, farting (apparently), and incontinence… I hated doing Kegels.

    Cambria - My husband took a picture of the hospital staff who was going to witness the birth of our daughter just before I began pushing… All you can see is my leg in a stirrup and six people staring at my vagina. That picture is the greatest birth control ever… Flashbacks, anyone?

  16. By Elizabeth on February 11, 2010

    You are not alone.  Haha.

  17. By Melissa on February 11, 2010

    Sarah- this is a hysterical blog entry.
    one time, at about 6 month pregnant.
    I accidently let one go LOUDLY in a cab. and with no one else to blame it on I just blamed it on the baby in my belly   “Sorry, the kid made me do it” I said pointing to my belly while the cab driver eyed me suspiciously from the rear view mirror.

    It was so embarrassing.

  18. By on February 11, 2010

    I didn’t fart while pregnant—I burped.  ALL THE TIME.  Loud.  Which is slightly more socially acceptable than farting, but still… I guess the gas has to get out somehow right!?

  19. By Michelle on February 12, 2010

    Hey! Thanks for stopping by my blog.  I absolutely LOVE your photographs.. so I can only hope.

    This post cracked me up! Liam is ridiculously gassy as well.  In fact, as I type this Liam is letting them rip in my lap. No shame.

    So far, my favorite has been while I was changing his diaper and he let one rip, peed, and spit up at the EXACT SAME MOMENT.
    Now that… is talent.  :)

  20. By Sarah A. Schlothan Christensen on February 12, 2010

    Hollie - I burped too.  I was a burping, farting machine.  It’s a miracle my house is still standing with all that gas running amok.

    Michelle - Thank you for the photo love =)  You’ll get there!  I couldn’t take pictures like this a year ago.  I’m still just learning.

  21. By *emilie* on February 12, 2010

    the first thing that made me KNOW i was pregnant was the farting. it was constant.

  22. By on February 12, 2010

    Last night Bekah (my 10 1/2 month old daugher) let one rip and thought that it was absolutely hilarious. She thinks it is funny when she farts or when anyone including herself burps.

  23. By Mailis on February 12, 2010

    I gotta admit…this post cracked me right the heck up. Charlotte may be a stinky-bum, but she is a beautiful stinky-bum. Genes must determine the ability to become a gas giant. Which explains why she is so adorable, too. :)

    Jude’s diaper tends to rumble often, too. And they are definitely NOT crop dusters. They are the trumpet blasts of extreme intestinal bliss. I think he may even be proud of them, because he flirts and rumbles simultaneously.


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