A message from Charlotte to you.
April 14, 2011

YO PEEPS,

Let me tell it to you straight.  One day my momma was all about telling me to talk.  USE YOUR WORDS, BABY, she begged.

And I was like, whatever, crazy woman who birthed me.  I’ll use my words in my own damned time.  STOP PRESSURING ME.  Last time you pressured me, I ripped your vagina into shreds coming down the chute.  You’d think you’d have learned your lesson by now, freak-show.  Now READ MY MIND AND GET ME SOME YOGURT.

Then one day I decided, you know, I might as well start talking now.  What the Hell, right?  Now’s as good a time as any.

So I just jumped right in.  And PRESTO, before I could string two syllables together, my momma was bringing me yogurt on demand.  All those months when I didn’t say a word?  TURNS OUT, I was just missing out on free slave labor.

Momma neglected to mention that part when she was begging me to talk.  I felt like smacking her upside the head.  Hey brilliant, I wanted to say.  THE SELLING POINT WAS THE PART WHERE YOU BECAME MY MINIONS.

Anyway, long story short: yesterday, my momma took me to the Los Angeles Arboretum.  That place is teeming with peacocks.  A plant farts in the wind and POOF!, a peacock appears.  That’s the sort of peacock population we’re talking about.  Sometimes they go screaming at one another and for a few minutes you’d swear you’d been magically transported to an island of howler monkeys.

My momma clearly thinks that peacocks are the shit.  She was bouncing up and down like she’d lost her mind pointing out peacocks left and right.  I was sort of like, um, yeah, you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting one?  So what?  Have you seen how small their heads are?  They probably don’t have much brain in there.

But it seemed like a big deal to her, so finally I just pointed to one and said COCK! to shut her up.  And I thought: this better get me some yogurt.  And my momma was like, um, hm, no, PEA-cock.  And I thought: that’s what I said, moron.  COCK!, I repeated.  PEA-cock, she said.  COCK!, I parroted.  PEA-cock, she said.  COCK!, I said.  PEA-cock, she said.  COCK!, I said.  PEA-cock, she said.

It was pretty clear I wasn’t getting any yogurt out of this deal.

Which is crap if you ask me.  And desperate times call for desperate measures.  So I bore down, thought long and hard, and came up with what she wanted to hear.

COCK PEED!  COCK!  COCK!, I said triumphantly.  And I thought: there, I said the cock part and the pea part and I WANT MY YOGURT NOW, SLAVE.

Crikeys, how many times does a baby have to scream COCK! to get some yogurt around here?

PEACE OUT.


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  1. By on April 14, 2011

    AAAAAHahahah
    the embarassing moments of motherhood ! gotta love them !

  2. By wordplayhouse on April 14, 2011

    Ha! Ha! Like the time our daughter and I were in library story time and the librarian was reading a book about a fire truck. She called out “fire truck” over and over…but it wasn’t “fire truck”. It was “fire truck” all compressed together—“*uck” (with the f on the front of that word there), “*uck” she kept calling out in front of all the library story time children and mothers. And I swear (pun intended!) she never really heard that word in our house!

    Enjoyed your story.

  3. By on April 14, 2011

    Ha!

    Reminds me of my brother who, along with piss-ghetti, loved F*cky Fried Kicken.

  4. By Momiss on April 14, 2011

    Oh, my dear Lord, you are so f ing funny.  Just remember THis, too, shall pass.  Also I completely LOVE the picture of her with the water.  You should blow that one up and frame it.

  5. By on April 14, 2011

    My daughter is 23 months old and curses like a sailor..calls a bridge:bitch, clock:cock, fork:f*ck and flag:f*ck ...it’s never not funny!

  6. By Bethany on April 14, 2011

    I die. Too funny!

  7. By missjoules on April 14, 2011

    I love when adults narrate babies like this. My kiddo can get pretty snarky sometimes and I’m glad to see that Charlotte does as well :)

  8. By on April 14, 2011

    I am dying over this!  Fabulous! 
    My son’s version of the ice cubes in my glass = ass.  I’m going crazy saying to him “ice, eye-ce, eye-ce”  and he’s all “ass, ass, ass”.

  9. By on April 14, 2011

    Best post yet! I LOLed

  10. By on April 14, 2011

    Ha!!! Priceless!

  11. By Christy on April 14, 2011

    OMG, I nearly spit my water out, this is so funny.  And so true.

  12. By Lindsey on April 14, 2011

    Aaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha! Favorite.

  13. By on April 14, 2011

    HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. By Monica on April 14, 2011

    Love it!  Harper calls socks- COCK!  all the time.  sigh.  She has also starting yelling boobies all the time, guess I shouldn’t have laughed the first time.  She also very clearly can say Mommy farted.  Sigh.

  15. By Valerie on April 14, 2011

    Wahahahaha!

  16. By Christy on April 14, 2011

    LMAO! That’s is the best! Hilarious!

  17. By Tracy Roberts on April 14, 2011

    hilarious….

  18. By on April 14, 2011

    So FUNNY!!!

  19. By on April 14, 2011

    Oh, I needed a good laugh tonight! Thank you!!

  20. By Jeneva on April 14, 2011

    That is completely awesome. I’m pretty sure they do it on purpose.

  21. By Sabrina on April 14, 2011

    So funny!  I read your post to my husband and he died laughing as well.

    Thanks for giving us a laugh!

  22. By on April 14, 2011

    Funniest thing ever!!! Thanks for the laughs.

  23. By alex on April 14, 2011

    What a hilarious post, Sarah!  Thanks for cheering me up. Feel like reading it to my husband now, if only he wasn’t studying for freaking biochemistry exam!

  24. By on April 14, 2011

    L.  O.  L!!!
    Thanks for the laugh, Charlotte. love you <3

  25. By lceel on April 15, 2011

    Yes.  Crikeys.

  26. By Meghann (Bringing up Bumble) on April 15, 2011

    best. post. ever.

    i died laughing. “TURNS OUT i was just missing out on free slave labor”

    i love how your brain works, sarah :)

  27. By C @ Kid Things on April 16, 2011

    That’s hilarious.

    My 2 youngest say cock whenever they see a clock. They can’t get the c and the l to work together yet, I guess. I do a doubletake every time. Thankfully, I’ve managed to steer us clear of clocks while out in public.

  28. By Brandi K on April 19, 2011

    LMAO!  I’m wiping tears over here.  And i’m promptly going to stop asking my child to speak.

  29. By Kara on April 22, 2011

    This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. Thanks “)

  30. By Leslie Crane on April 23, 2011

    I just pissed myself!

  31. By on April 27, 2011

    BEST EVAR!!!

  32. By Stephanie on May 27, 2011

    Thanks for making my night. Probably won’t ever see a peacock without laughing now. :)


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