Sex is definitely an act designed with the non-pregnant in mind.
© 2009 Helios Media, Inc. Please click here to see this image on Flickr.
At first, pregnant sex was the same as non-pregnant sex. I looked the same and I felt the same and I developed enorma-boobs overnight, so BONUS!
Shortly after the halfway mark, though, I became hornier than a teenage boy. I cannot even begin to tell you how many thousands of hours I have wasted over the past two months because I AM THINKING ABOUT SEX. I’m sorry, did you say something? I must not have heard you because I was picturing my husband naked. Again. For the millionth time today.
Aaaaaaaaaand right around then (shall we call this IRONY?) is when it became glaringly obvious that the dynamics of sex had changed and I was the only one without an instruction manual. It’s as though there is some secret to pregnant sex that has completely eluded me.
For example, POSITIONING IS AN ISSUE. Is the woman to be placed on top (jiggle jiggle)? On her side? LIKE A DOG?! What are you supposed to do when the belly squirms and you are both VERY AWARE that there is a person literally BETWEEN you, a living person, somebody who is moving, and is AWAKE? Do you just ignore it? Pretend it’s gas? And where is the belly supposed to go? Seriously, HOW IS IT POSSIBLE that an unborn child is already interrupting my sex life?! HOW?!
And to top that off, my body is changing. And this is expected. And this is normal. And this is good. But where I once had perky pink nipples that hardened upon arousal, I now have dark nipples the size of Manhattan and they squirt milk. Not. Sexy. And where I could once shave my legs with ease, I am now required to perform all manners of PERILOUS ACROBATICS, which means that I am now going through life as some sort of hairy bush monster. Not. Sexy.
© 2009 Helios Media, Inc. Please click here to see this image on Flickr.
But most disturbing of all is this: my delicates? My genitalia? My vagina? My cooter? WHATEVER THE COOL WORD ON THE STREETS IS THESE DAYS. It is different. Unrecognizable. NOT MINE. If not fitting into my underwear was not punishment enough for daring to engage in unprotected sex, it seems that there has been some sort of alien transport in my sleep and now I am saddled with a swollen, discolored unit that doesn’t feel quite right.
The doctor calls this “pelvic expansion,“ from which I have determined that my birthin’ hips are the motherfucking KINGS of expansion. When your labia are bruised FOR NO APPARENT REASON, no amount of calling it “pelvic expansion” makes you feel better. All you think is YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. Not. Sexy. And also, not conducive to sex.
Biology? I’d like a do-over.
(47) Comments | Permalink
Filed as Sex Photographs of Sarah Marriage Romance Pregnancy Belly pictures Third trimester
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Don’t worry, your vagina will shrink again. Sure it will probably take until your baby is 3 months old, but eventually, it will (maybe) be back to normal. You know, depending on your birth.
Ah, the things they never tell you.
I remember after giving birth to Amy (vaginally) I had a shower and looked down and OHMYHOLYHELL no one tells you that pushing a baby out causes immense swelling. It does go away.
And you’re welcome.
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HAHAHAHAHAHA. LOVE.THIS.POST.
I SOOOOOO don’t miss those days!
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tee hee hee! just wait until a week or so before your due date and you’re so desperate to have your baby in your arms that you demand sex everyday. now that might have been the lowest point in my entire pregnancy, because by then, sarah, my vajayjay was the size of canada and i’m pretty sure my hubby once screwed between my thighs and i had to tell him because he was ahem, unaware.
hang in there momma, it does go back to normal, eventually ;) xo -
This is so funny and I am so glad you wrote on something that most people think but are too chicken shit to say :) I don’t have any real advice on good pregnant sex, but I can help with the legs. I used those pads that sand away the hair and it was the best thing. You don’t have to worry about falling in the shower or cutting yourself and there are no chemicals.
It’s not the sexiest thing, but then again, not much is sexy when your incubating a small human!
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OH MY GOSH I LOVE YOU.
For some reason, we had like..no problems with sex while I was pregnant. We had it less, but still more often than a lot of non pregnant people (about once a week). *
BUT. OH MY GOD. WAIT UNTIL YOU CAN’T HAVE SEX FOR SIX WEEKS AFTER YOU HAVE THE BABY AND then talk to me about how it’s all you’re thinking about circa week 3. The first two I was like “sex?! Sex DID THIS TO ME.“ Now I’m like “sex?! YES. Plese. What? You said socks? Oh.“
*Also? Remember I gave birth at 31 weeks. So…my experience is a little different. I didn’t have a lot of swelling post birth. The first few days, yes, but I don’t think it was as bad as what people who deliver later experience.
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I had ZERO interest in sex when I was pregnant. I felt like a cow and, quite frankly, it hurt. Truth be told, my husband didn’t see any action for like a year. For real. Don’t get me wrong, I “took one for the team” regularly, a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do, but there was no Tab A going into Slot B in our house.
Luckily, I avoided the blue vagina syndrome. A small mercy since I got every single other pregnancy malady.
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O. m. g.
As a married-but-not-pregnant woman who is planning on having children, THANK YOU for writing the truthful things, the stories that other people prefer to avoid. I know I’ll be much more prepared this way.
Also, your commenters are awesome!
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LOL, now not that that is funny, but well yes it is funny. These things happen, but eventually all will be back to normal, don’t worry.
Thanks for stopping by my blog.
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Ohh you crack me up! I needed this laugh today. LORDY thank you.
I also have had ZERO interest in sex. My doctor said, “Pregnancy can cause changes in your sex drive.“ CHANGES, MY FAT ASS. MY SEX DRIVE HAS COMPLETELY ABANDONED ME. My poor husband. Not that he is complaining a whole lot, because what this whole pregnant thing has done to his wife? Is completely weirding him out. He told me last night, I’ll come back around, I promise… sometime after the baby is born.
The worst? Is that I cannot even see my gal anymore and so cannot, ahem, clean up very nicely. And they expect me to give birth like this, all un-manicured and wild? Heck.
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Ah, don’t worry, by the time you have the baby you won’t be so horny.
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well, I can’t contribute to the conversation (since I havent’ been pregnant before) but i will say that I’m glad you brought it up because I wondered. and now I know what I have to look forward to. :)
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I love this post. Like Tabitha I was wondering about pregnancy. Not that I want to get pregnant now, but I was puzzled about how to shave your legs while pregnant. Thank you for clarifying that :-)
P.S. Thank you for the comment on my blog—much appreciated ! -
Well, now I can’t say that I wasn’t warned!
It seems like one of those situations that suck so bad that you have to laugh. But then you want to cry.
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Hahaha, I know I shouldn’t really laugh because the changes appear to be bittersweet, but this is a really brilliant post! :) Cheers for sharing :)
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Heh. That’s it, that’s all I’ve got. Heh.
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At least it was good while it lasted. :) I haven’t felt sexy at all this pregnancy. I identify with your bush monster comment.
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It took me 10 minutes to stop laughing in order to write this comment. Your brutal honesty cracks me up. I find you utterly hysterical.
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Hey Sarah! I’m a Sarah, too. You got me beat on the superhero part though.
Your post cracked me up! I’ve never been pregnant, but at least now I have more of an idea of what it’ll be like. I had heard the nipple thing, but the hoo-ha too? Man! We can’t win! Thank you for being so honest!
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I wish someone had told me to take pictures of myself naked BEFORE I had children. I may have thought I wasn’t perfect back then, but MAN. I would love to see the old girls once more…
Pregnant sex dreams. Those make up for the discomfort in positioning. Until you dream about a neighbor. Or a church pastor. Not that I’d know anything about dreams like those….
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I have chronic bush monsterism. This comes from bathing with two little ones. My oldest eats the shaving cream, however will not eat whipped cream.
Pregnancy sex is the best! Just wait until your baby drops so low that your vagina shortens to the third of the length that it normal is! Sex is almost not even happening! lol
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I am planning on being pregnant as soon as I can in the very near future. Thanks for sharing the deepest secrets that should be told to never before been pregnant women but nobody ever does!
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Physically my first trimester was a breeze. No morning sickness, no boob pain, and best of all an insatiable, I’m-seventeen-again appetite for sex. Emotionally I was a wreck, which made my relationship very strained, but man did we #$%@ like rabbits. Unfortunately, by the end of my second trimester, I had swung to the opposite end of the spectrum. For the first time in my adult life, the thought of sex makes me feel tired and cranky. I have no desire, I mean none. My poor boyfriend is patient and understanding, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I tell him he can watch porn though. Cause I’m such a good girlfriend.
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Pregnancy is truly amazing… it can be wonderful and horrible at the very same time!!! And the sex!!! Hahaha. Hilarious and amazing! LOL
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PREACH ON, SISTER! PREACH ON!
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Yet one more reason that I only have a dog. I borrow other people’s children and my vagina remains intact! ;)
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Those are lovely photos! Can’t comment on the sex during pregnancy issue as I abstained :) The milk squirting though might not be sexy now but maybe you’ll see it in a new light after you’ve had your baby. Sunnyboy thinks milk squirting is pretty cool, he likes to open his mouth so I can squirt it from a distance. Milk in the eye just makes him laugh!
Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a comment :)
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OMG I had completely forgotten about this side of pregnancy. Thank you SO much for reminding me why I don’t need another baby right now. :) Enjoy this!
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you are too cute for words! i LOVE this post… a friend of mine is 21 wks along with twins right now and told me the other day that the horny-factor for her is doubled. :)
awesome post!
hey, for what it’s worth, you’re feelin’ healthy… right? so that’s what matters.
my best to you for continued pregnancy progress.
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This is such a great post for expectant mom’s just in case they are going through the same thing you are. I can honestly say though that I didn’t experience the symptoms you mentioned. It has been so long that I was pregnant though, that I can’t remember the sex aspect. I only remember with my first born, that when nursing, your hormones and everything else seems to be out of whack, and things tend to get a bit dry down there. I remember a little bit of a dry spell in the old sex department for longer than the six week wait period. I use to wonder why women got pregnant so soon after giving birth with another, when all I wanted to do was sleep. Nursing is a huge demand at first, and the last thing you want is your husband at your breast too :)
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You know, I love how honest you are. I read two other bloggers who are pregnant and they’re all “Oh yeah, it’s lovely”. While I never intend to have my own children it is nice to read someone who is so open about it all.
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Stumbled. Loved. Favorited. True. LOL.
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You SO crack me up!
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Hey, i don’t remember how i found this site…JC, i think.
But OH MY GOD!!!. I have never had children before, and I NEVER KNEW THOSE THINGS HAPPENED TO YOU WHEN PREGNANT. HOLY SHIT!!!I just thought women got really uncomfortable and DO NOT want sex. WOW, i see now that it’s not true….probably Doggy would be your best bet, with the belly and all. I’m just guessing.
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This is almost too funny, except that i totally relate - which then makes it awkwardly weird-ishly too close for comfort. The thing about the nipples is perhaps the worst, knowing that it will never be “perky pink” ever again. Oh well. A more visible landing zone for the mouth(s), i suppose.
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hello, I stumbled across one of your belly photos on flickr, and decided to click over and read your site, and it’s so hilarious and refreshing that I decided to read more. I’m also a Sarah, and currently 15 weeks along with my 4th, and am thrilled to find someone who is so honest and humorous about the whole process. I would love to be able to write so openly about my own pregnancy on my blog, but I think several of my family members would be a little more than weirded out to hear about it that way… ha ha! I’m definitely putting you on my reader and have fun with your last 8 weeks!
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Thanks for being so honest about the uglies of pregnancy that no one talks about!! Although I’ve never been pregnant myself, I can totally see the awkwardness of having another human in between you two… and the non-sexiness of it. Also, I’ve always wondered how people shave while pregnant! Or if they just give up. Or if it’s something that drops to the bottom of the priorities list. Anyway, thanks for telling it like it is, and good luck with everything!
P.S. Sorry to crash this party so late… I found you through momversation and have been catching up a bit. :)
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hahaha I love this post! I have a 9 month old son and I remember all too well the blue clitoris :)
Just wait until after the baby is born… you’ll be wanting the blue clitoris back -
WOAH…what a hilarious subject! Where was all this when I was young and pregnant? No one told me anything like this. So count yourself luckier than all get-out. Perhaps I’m lucky, tho, ‘cuz it never occurred to me to look “down there” with a mirror. Until after my third child. Good gosh. Wish I’d never done so! I think it’s important, tho, that you be aware that your private parts can naver, ever be exactly the same after you’ve given birth. They go back to smaller, but honey a baby came through there! Your site is a hoot!!!!
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how did i miss this one ??
here i am, 66 days to go, trying to wax my private area in front of the bathroom mirror, sweating to get one foot in the sink so i can see what’s up down there (praying the sink is properly attached to the wall, of course) and then i get a glance at what’s really up down there and i think to myself how much i hope my husband also loves me for my personnality…
i just love reading your blog..
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This made me so uncomfortable I had to shift in my seat…well, it made my vag nervous!
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very nice title for this subject. Blue is life
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Please tell me you’re going to remove the word “motherfucking” from this before your sweet daughter reads it some day…..
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This has to be one of the most hilarious posts ever. Why does noone talk about these things? Why is this the first I am hearing about this?
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OK, I just found you because of the award you are up for. OMG, you made me smile. My kids are 7, 12. 17 and boy oh boy do I remember those days. The first time my boob squirted, I was putting on my bra and the dog was sitting on the edge of the bed and the fluid hit him in the eye. From then on the dog was scared of me. If you think sex is weird when you are pregnant with #1 wait till you are trying to make sure #1 is really asleep while you are pregnant with #2 and so on. Anyway, I am going to read many back posts and in advance thanks for bringing back great memories…
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Aww man! That sounds so unnerving, BUT at least ours don’t look like chimps’ do, right? yikes
To comment #43 - she’ll learn it in kindergarden (of not daycare) before that happens.
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Ok, I saw this on your sidebar and how could I NOT read it?
So funny.
-FringeGirl
By Heidi on April 23, 2009
Your poor blue clitoris! To think, what I’ve missed all this time I’ve been on Internet sabbatical. Blue clits. Manhattan nipples. Ahh. Sarah.