And scene.
March 04, 2010

You know what would make a nice, benign blog post?  Telling you about how my boobs are possessed.  Because they are.  Every time Charlotte gets hungry, she starts squawking and I start unbuttoning and unsnapping.  She might even lick my shirt to help me out.

What can I say?  I need all the help I can get.

Then, as soon as she latches, she starts kicking.  KICK!  Kick kick kick!  KICK!! KICK KICK!!  And her arms start flailing in seventy directions at once, and all of those limbs are moving at roughly the speed of light.  So I’m getting pummeled in the ribs by all the KICK KICKING and my eyeballs are being poked out by little baby talons and THE ONLY EXPLANATION is that my boobs are possessed.

It’s like witch’s brew through a nipple.

But anyway, instead of writing about that, I have a story for you.  A real-time, you-can’t-make-this-stuff-up tale of breastfeeding motherhood.  It starts at a library.


Charlotte would like to clarify that this is not her fault.  I OWN THIS DUMBASSERY.

Yesterday, I met up with a few fellow mothers at a toddler story-time.  This particular library has a wonderful children’s section, but is also quite a distance from my home, so I only go once or twice a month.

After the story-time, a group of us mingle and walk around and generally talk about how our babies rock.  Which they do, all babies rock, but you know how it is.  You put a group of moms together and if the only thing tying them together is the fact that all of them have, at one point, allowed their uterus to be stretched beyond all comprehension to accommodate human life?  THEY ARE GOING TO BRAG ABOUT THAT HUMAN LIFE.  Also, about that miracle uterus of steel.

Which is right up my alley.  Because guess what?  My miracle uterus of steel has been stretched beyond all comprehension too.  What a coincidence!

At any rate, by the time that we finish mingling and walking and talking about how our babies are the cutest damned things this planet has ever seen, Charlotte is good and hungry.  So everybody else goes home, but I usually spend a bit of time sitting in the backseat of the car feeding her.

She spends that time trying to cause me grave bodily harm through kicking and clawing and (more recently) biting.  Speaking of which: HOLY GOODNESS, my daughter is turning into an alligator.  I have a sinking feeling that my nipples are going to be yet another casualty of motherhood.

But I digress.

So yesterday afternoon, I nursed Charlotte and then I tucked her into her car-seat.  I got out of the car, put the diaper bag in the trunk, and then got in the driver’s seat and started the engine.  Then I drove home.  Ten miles later, when I pulled into my driveway, I parked the car and turned off the engine.  I got out of the front seat, grabbed the diaper bag from the trunk, and then slid into the back-seat and started unbuckling Charlotte.

And THAT is when I noticed that my boob was still hanging out.  In the wind.  Unattended.  I was horrified.  Charlotte was like TWO LUNCHES?  I GET TWO LUNCHES?!  THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!

Just for the record?  This is much more humiliating than that one time I got my skirt stuck in my waistband and walked around with my underwear showing for an afternoon.

*** If you have a chance, wish today’s featured blogger, Sarah, a happy anniversary.


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  1. By on March 04, 2010

    Thanks for the laugh this morning!

  2. By Cynthia on March 04, 2010

    This is defenently a good laugh!!  Thanks for sharing!  I feel like I have that witches brew also, my baby girl gets soo excited when I start breastfeeding her(She is only 4 months so I can imagine what it will be when she is Charlotte’s age!)!  She does that whole kicking routine.  Then she starts grabbing at me (with her talons-my husband calls them that also!!), and then she rolls her eyes around, like this is the best thing on EARTH!!

  3. By on March 04, 2010

    hahahhhaaaaahahahahhaahhaaaaHAH!
    sorry…

  4. By Amanda Smith on March 04, 2010

    Lol Thanks for sharing! I’m sorry that happened to you, but it is mighty funny! :]

  5. By Lauren @ In the Pudding Club on March 04, 2010

    Oh man am I loling over here.  I’m always afraid I’m going to answer the door with one boob plopped out out my bra.  There’s just nothing sexy about that look is there?

  6. By monicaonthego.com on March 04, 2010

    How nice, very zexy, good job!  Once when Harper was about 6 months old, I was walking around DIck’s sporting goods, I was just running in for 1 thing, so I was just holding her, no stroller or baby bjorn.  Well she started crabbing, so I grabbed my purchase and checked out.  Then when I was walking out, I realized that I had two giant leak spots on both boobs. She whined, I leaked and the pimply faced checkout boy got to experience it in all its milky glory.

  7. By on March 04, 2010

    Oh wow! Now I don’t feel so bad about the time I grocery shopped when my baby was a couple weeks old and I got to the car and looked down and realized my gray cardigan had two boob puddles, and knit is pretty absorbent stuff so they were big puddles. I think it would have been okay if I had my baby with me at the store, but I didn’t… who knows how long I was walking around leaking.

  8. By Mailis on March 04, 2010

    LOL!!!! I am surprised you didn’t cause any accidents.

    Sarah, you are truly awesome, you know that? Not only did you just provide me with a much needed laugh, but you also made me feel a lot better about my embarrassing breastfeeding incidents. :)

    TWO lunches!! Ohboyohboy.

  9. By Spruce Hill on March 04, 2010

    LOL! That is so funny! Sorry though. Yeah the things we do when we are new Moms, ever been to the store with barf down your back? Fun :)

  10. By Sarah on March 04, 2010

    Oh man.  That is TOO funny.  I have to tell you, that it only gets worse…  I sent my son to school, in a brand new pair of pants - that I put on him - that still had the sticker on.  I kissed him goodbye, patted his bottom, said “behave, and have fun” then went away.  Four hours later I came to pick him up, the teacher handed me the sticker and said “It must have been a long morning”.  It’s not a boob… but a boob attached to my kid’s pants would have been pretty weird.

  11. By C @ Kid Things on March 04, 2010

    Well, I’m sure there were at least few passing drivers who appreciated the show.

  12. By Dana on March 04, 2010

    So great! I can comiserate with you! The other day I had to stop in the restroom at Target… I rushed, worried that my two year old would touch the floor or who knows what else… While I hurried to wash my hands she began to unroll the toilet paper… So, again I rushed, washed up, grabbed her and got out of there… The sound of laughter alerted me to the fact that my shirt was still rushed up to my waist and my pants remained unzipped and unbuttoned… Sigh…

  13. By Elizabeth on March 04, 2010

    Oy.

  14. By Megan R. on March 04, 2010

    Well, one thing about not breastfeeding…I “generally” don’t have to worry about my boob hanging out and dangling in the wind.  Not that my boobs are big enough to dangle, but you know what I mean.

    And, even though I am not breastfeeding, would it make you feel any better to know that I still get kicked while feeding Peanut?  She doesn’t like to be held (seriously….not a snuggly baby by any means) while I feed her. So, I prop her up in a boppy on the floor and sit in front of her and hold the bottle (because she won’t hold it…because she needs her hands to be free to massage her head and face during bottle time), and she sits and just picks up her feet one at a time…and slams them down into my legs.  Fun! 

    Awwww….babes are silly little things, aren’t they???

  15. By Stephanie on March 04, 2010

    You’d fit in around here. Oregon is known for it’s nudist community, lmao!

  16. By Sarah Christensen on March 04, 2010

    Megan - Charlotte isn’t very snuggly either.  What is with that?!  She sleeps best alone, after I leave the bed, and when she’s awake, she’s all “um, Mom, you’re holding me back, there’s a whole world to explore!“  I love her the way she is, but I can see that there is going to be snuggle bribery in my future.

  17. By Lindsey on March 04, 2010

    That is so true!  What is it with the kicking?  Savannah does the same thing. 

    The last part of this is so funny…Charlotte’s point of view.  If I were gutsy enough to do so I’d post about Savannah’s reaction to mine on our blog.  I’m not that brave.  She sees them and smiles really big and starts panting and starts waving all of her body parts like “yes!  come on mama…..“  My husband thinks it’s hilarious.  He always replys to her with, “yep little girl…that’s how I feel too.“ 

    Craziness!

  18. By Kristen on March 04, 2010

    When I read your original tweet yesterday, I told my husband how much it makes me laugh to read something like that in my twitter feed.  Because I’m just waiting for it to happen to me.  He quickly replied that he never sees anything like that in his twitter feed :)

  19. By Wendy on March 04, 2010

    Enjoy breastfeeding while you can—as I can see you’re doing. My son is 9 and I really miss it! I did it for two years.

    I think it’s great that you’re doing giveaways. I’m an author/illustrator if you want to check out my website. I also just started a blog (which no one has been to yet). It’s wendywaxblog.com.

    Keep on writing!

  20. By Kristen on March 04, 2010

    I have a story to empathize with: I joined a webex at home for a company-wide meeting. By company-wide I mean about 400 people, all over the world. I did not know that they have their webex settings in a configuration where if you have a detectable camera, they start streaming you, live. I have a macbook so it automatically went on. I did not know this. And yes, I was nursing. And got up a few times with my boob hanging out. When I sat back down a few minutes later, I saw a flashing icon for video and was horrified to see I was streaming the whole time. Granted, I have no idea who actually used this video feature to watch other people and no one said anything, and I asked a few people about it and they said they weren’t looking at the attendee video. But OMG.

    I just flip out my boob to pump at work in an area I have set up, and I am so used to forgetting to put it away right away at home I am just convinced one of these days, I am going to come out of my pumping area with it hanging in the breeze.

  21. By Heidi on March 04, 2010

    OHMYGOD. Kristen’s story is even more horrifying. Kristen – your Mac camera just AUTOMATICALLY turned ON without your prompting it? This is like CIA operative spy tactic shit.

  22. By Kristen on March 04, 2010

    I know, right? All of the webex meetings I have ever attended are configured to where you must EXPLICITLY permit the camera to broadcast. On my macbook whether you are broadcasting or not, the little green light next to the camera is on so I didn’t really think anything of it. Until I looked at the camera tab and I was just broadcasting, without ever clicking anything giving permission to do so. I saw a lot of other cameras on with people zoning out/drifting off so I am under the impression they had no idea and did not grant permission, either. I keep a band-aid over my camera now.

  23. By on March 05, 2010

    ‘She might even lick my shirt to help me out’ That is darling! This never would have happened, Sarah, if you didn’t live in a place with a great climate. In say, Cleveland, where the temp is likely to be 20 degrees???  You would have noticed.  Thanks for the laughs. And Charlotte is so cute, I just want to hug her everytime I see her picture.

  24. By *emilie* on March 05, 2010

    AHAHHAHAhahaha
    i also once walked around all afternoon with my skirt stuck in my underwear…

  25. By Cynthia on March 05, 2010

    At least you gave a story to everyone who saw you on the drive home… You can be happy for that! You’re one of those people who other people start a story about by saying, “You’ll never believe what I saw today!“

    The nipple biting sounds terrible! And Isla like to slap my chest when she eats… No kicking though.

  26. By Kate (This Place is Now a Home) on March 05, 2010

    Hahahaha. Mommy brain, much? I love it. Your priorities are in the right place!

  27. By Sara on March 05, 2010

    Telling this little story just got you a new devoted reader!


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