Furry little fuckers.
September 11, 2009

My cats are trying to kill me.

I know, it’s hard to believe that of critters with slightly less intelligence than sea slugs, but I SWEAR TO YOU that those hairball-hacking felines are plotting my demise.

It all started when Donald and I had a BRILLIANT! and INSPIRED! plan to train our dog to drink from a licker that is hooked up to the backyard spigot.  We thought that the licker might circumvent the problem Hank has with his water bowl – namely his desire to tip it over and then whimper because WOE IS HIM, THERE IS NO WATER.

But the spigot is out of sight of the kitchen door.  And do you want to know what “kitchen door” translates to in Cat-Glish?  ESCAPE ROUTE., that’s what.  Well.  That and LET’S HAUL ASS OUT OF HERE.

As it turns out, the only thing keeping my cats from running into the street the past year has been that Mister Hanky Panky Snugglepup III has been guzzling his water within two inches of the kitchen door.  And you know, if I were the size of a squirrel on steroids, I suppose that I would be a little intimidated by a 95 pound beast too.

Yesterday morning, I let Hank of the house and he ran straight to his water dish.  Which meant that the ESCAPE ROUTE was momentarily unguarded.  And while I do mean “momentarily,” all three cats managed to catapult themselves out of that door.

All of the sudden, I’m on high alert, and it’s like in the movies when an alarm goes off that says Intruder! Intruder! only this one is saying things like Prison Break!  And I kid you not, all three of them ran in different directions.

I’m sorry, did I mention that it was morning?  Because this is vital: I am chasing three cats outdoors FIRST THING IN THE MORNING and in my household, that means that I’m almost naked.

So I find myself running around in every direction, always two inches away from a cat before the elusive little bastard vanishes into a tree.  I’m chasing one cat this way and another cat that way and my dog is barking at them whenever they try to slink back into the kitchen door, NO HELP AT ALL, HANK, THANK YOU.

Finally, I’m down to one cat, but of course she’s bolted all the way across the yard and under a bush.  And before I know it, there I am on all fours, shoving my head under the bush, curse words irreverently spewing from my mouth, arms flailing because BUSHES HAVE BRANCHES AND BRANCHES UNHOOK NURSING BRAS, postpartum ass wiggling in the air, and what happens?

My neighbors come over to ask if I need help.  Or maybe I’d like to borrow a robe?  And, um, while they’re at it, well, gee, this is awkward, but the pot is fresh, so would I like a cup of coffee?  I LOOK LIKE I COULD USE IT.


I’m sorry that this isn’t a more entertaining post, but I’m busy crawling under a rock and dying.  Final score: Cats 312, Sarah 0.

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  1. By Jenna @ Newlyweds on September 11, 2009

    Luckily I only have one escape route clinging cat but she is the same way, really with any door that is, the garage, backyard, front, etc. Highly annoying, and won’t come when called.  But they sure are cute!

  2. By Megan R. on September 11, 2009

    OMG…what a “brilliant” start to a day…

    Enjoy your rock.

  3. By C @ Kid Things on September 11, 2009

    I’ll trade you a cat who runs away with a cat who like to vomit first thing in the morning. Good deal, yes?

  4. By natballs on September 11, 2009

    Our female cat, WilmaBeast, is out to get me. No joke. Her goal in her 9 lives is to torment me mercilessly. I feel your pain.

  5. By on September 11, 2009

    Thank you for this incredible laugh this morning.  I forwarded this along to several people-both with and without cats!


  6. By Stephanie on September 11, 2009

    Oh my goodness!! I would have loved to have seen that… however, if I was your neighbor, I’d be out helping you half naked, too. Except in my case, I’d have a HUGE belly out in front of me that just may prevent me from crawling under a bush.

    Thanks for the laugh and yes, please do enjoy your rock.

  7. By Elizabeth Mackey on September 11, 2009

    I’m sure they would be back for din din :)

  8. By Jessika on September 11, 2009

    Our monster cats did that the other day. Pawed open the almost-shut front door and escaped. I got my poor husband out of bed in a rush as I ran around like a maniac yelling “we need to do a cat inventory! NOW!!“ Turns out all three had run for it.

    One pretended he was a perfect princess and posed on our neighbor’s porch, emulating their stupid stone lion statue. One tried to jump off an embankment to go 12 feet below (we had him cornered). The other COVERED himself in bark dust under the damn prickly pine tree.

    So busted.

    And I was wearing a dress. I lost my sunglasses (are they in the bark dust? Haven’t found them yet), and I’m sure I probably flashed our neighbors as I crawled under the tree and got covered in bark dust.

    I was 45 minutes late for my meeting.

  9. By The Urban Cowboy on September 11, 2009

    Too funny!  So did ya take your neighbor up on their offer?

  10. By erin on September 11, 2009

    Every day I am more and more thankful for my strangely well-behaved kitty.  Thanks for the laugh!

  11. By jaimey on September 11, 2009

    And while Erin is thankful for her strangely well-behaved cat, i am thankful i no longer am owned by a flee bag. mine was the ultimate of escape artists and fat to boot. He would knock me on my ass before I knew what happened, as he ran under my legs. Luckily for me he was stupid as well as fat and having been an indoor kitty his whole life he had never learned to climb trees. He was limited to the yard as long as the gate was closed. HA!

  12. By Veronica on September 11, 2009

    Hugely entertaining.

  13. By Tara on September 12, 2009

    Oh but you’re wrong, this is a very entertaining post indeed!

  14. By Joe @ IrrationalDad on September 12, 2009

    Oh, quite the contrary, Sarah. This post was very entertaining. I, like most people, tend to visualize things when I read them. And picturing a half naked, very tired woman chasing devil-creatures around a yard while the neighbor looks on is quite the funny scene.

  15. By Wild Dingo on September 12, 2009

    4 words: No Spill Dog Bowl. I haven’t tried it, but there’s a vid on it that says it’s impossible to spill for any dog. i was going to try it for my “sloppy drinkers” but i leave their bowl outside & they have a dog door… so it’s all good as it is now. but i’m dying to try it and i hear GREAT things about it.  here’s a link for it: http://leerburg.com/1207.htm. if you try it, let me know how it goes!

  16. By caramama on September 14, 2009

    The expression “It’s like herding cats” was never more true…

  17. By Tabitha (From Single to Married) on September 16, 2009

    You poor thing!  I hope that you got them back in or that at the very least, you have a fence.  :)





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