My child is obsessed with nipples.

It makes sense, I suppose.  If you are going to breastfeed a baby for ten months, it seems reasonable that the baby would find your nipples, those from which their life-sustaining elixir flows, rather fascinating.  If the majority of what I ate came out of a nipple, I would probably have a nipple obsession too.

But the thing is: Charlotte is obsessed with ALL nipples.  Not just mine.

Do not get me wrong; my daughter prizes my nipples above all others.  When I tuck her into the water sling for a shower together, she is spellbound by my nipples.  She wants to touch them, pinch them, squeeze them, rake her fingernails of doom across them.  It’s as though the fact that my nipples are body parts and not mere milk vessels puzzles her.  Our showers are always a battle of wills: my will to have clean armpits versus my will to convince her that Momma’s nipples, however top-notch they may be, are not toys.

Quite frankly, the armpits are winning.  Which.  Well.  Look, she gets to stare mesmerized at my nipples, I get to feel like my boobs are coveted, and the general public never has to smell my armpits.

Feel free to thank me for that last one.

Anyway, my point is that while Charlotte thinks my nipples are pretty freaking awesome, other people’s nipples captivate her too – woe to the man who dares hold my child with his shirt off.  HIS NIPPLES ARE NOT SAFE, not at all, not from probing fingers, not from curious lips, NOT EVEN ONE LITTLE BIT.  Bottle nipples also enthrall her, although she refuses to suck on them.

And it doesn’t stop there.  Moles?  Moles.  My child loves moles.  And while I realize that moles are not actually nipples, the fact that they present a significant contrast with my skin color gives them a sort of nipple-like quality, doesn’t it?  And Charlotte’s favorite plush toy happens to look more like a nipple than a rodent.  And those little useless buttons on denim jeans?  The metal ones with a protruding center?  She could lick those all day long.

I know that this is probably supposed to be endearing.  I know that most people are probably not offended when she nosedives into my shirt and starts snorting, looking for milk.  I know that most people laugh so hard they can barely stand when I pull out that toy and the first thing she does is stick its nose in her mouth and start sucking.  I know that most people probably think it’s hilarious when she reaches down my shirt and begins fondling my nipple, ascertaining that it has not, in fact, vanished into thin air.  And I know that this phase will fly by and I will probably miss her incessant attraction to all things nipple.

But right now?  Right in this very moment?  I would like a shower that does not come with a side of milk expression.

*** It’s been awhile, but I finally pulled my act together and today we have a featured blogger.  So click on over and meet Carolina!