I have created a nipple monster.
June 07, 2010

My child is obsessed with nipples.

It makes sense, I suppose.  If you are going to breastfeed a baby for ten months, it seems reasonable that the baby would find your nipples, those from which their life-sustaining elixir flows, rather fascinating.  If the majority of what I ate came out of a nipple, I would probably have a nipple obsession too.

But the thing is: Charlotte is obsessed with ALL nipples.  Not just mine.

Do not get me wrong; my daughter prizes my nipples above all others.  When I tuck her into the water sling for a shower together, she is spellbound by my nipples.  She wants to touch them, pinch them, squeeze them, rake her fingernails of doom across them.  It’s as though the fact that my nipples are body parts and not mere milk vessels puzzles her.  Our showers are always a battle of wills: my will to have clean armpits versus my will to convince her that Momma’s nipples, however top-notch they may be, are not toys.

Quite frankly, the armpits are winning.  Which.  Well.  Look, she gets to stare mesmerized at my nipples, I get to feel like my boobs are coveted, and the general public never has to smell my armpits.

Feel free to thank me for that last one.

Anyway, my point is that while Charlotte thinks my nipples are pretty freaking awesome, other people’s nipples captivate her too – woe to the man who dares hold my child with his shirt off.  HIS NIPPLES ARE NOT SAFE, not at all, not from probing fingers, not from curious lips, NOT EVEN ONE LITTLE BIT.  Bottle nipples also enthrall her, although she refuses to suck on them.

And it doesn’t stop there.  Moles?  Moles.  My child loves moles.  And while I realize that moles are not actually nipples, the fact that they present a significant contrast with my skin color gives them a sort of nipple-like quality, doesn’t it?  And Charlotte’s favorite plush toy happens to look more like a nipple than a rodent.  And those little useless buttons on denim jeans?  The metal ones with a protruding center?  She could lick those all day long.

I know that this is probably supposed to be endearing.  I know that most people are probably not offended when she nosedives into my shirt and starts snorting, looking for milk.  I know that most people laugh so hard they can barely stand when I pull out that toy and the first thing she does is stick its nose in her mouth and start sucking.  I know that most people probably think it’s hilarious when she reaches down my shirt and begins fondling my nipple, ascertaining that it has not, in fact, vanished into thin air.  And I know that this phase will fly by and I will probably miss her incessant attraction to all things nipple.

But right now?  Right in this very moment?  I would like a shower that does not come with a side of milk expression.

*** It’s been awhile, but I finally pulled my act together and today we have a featured blogger.  So click on over and meet Carolina!

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  1. By Kate (This Place is Now a Home) on June 07, 2010

    Oh my. I guess I have about 8 weeks left to get over my very-sensitive-nipple-syndrome before my nipples belong to someone else. And I don’t mean my husband.

  2. By jill on June 07, 2010

    ive been meaning to write this EXACT same post! corbin has found it “soothing” when he is just about asleep to dig his sharp little baby finger nails into my nipples and play with them! OMG it hurts but if i stop him he wakes up! i dont want him to get used to it though!

  3. By Cambria on June 07, 2010

    Hadley hasn’t nursed in near eight months, but she is still interested in mine. And I usually have to warn other women who hold her that they might get felt up by my toddler.

  4. By Mallory on June 07, 2010

    I’ve also been meaning to write about this too! Des is obsessed with my nipples. He thinks they are the most fascinating things in the world, and super fun to twist and squeeze. I have never had so many titty twisters in my life. I’m trying to teach him not to, but nothing seems to work. I guess all the moms were right when they said that breastfeeding destroys your nipples.

  5. By Part Time Mother on June 07, 2010

    I do not envy this aspect of having children. One bit. My mother tells me the story of how I would pat her breast while nursing as if to say, “Gooood Booby. Goood.“ I think she blocked all nipple pinching out. She had three more after me!

  6. By on June 07, 2010

    I nursed my kids until they were nearly two, but my showers were MINE!! I had to have that quiet, alone time.

  7. By Tara on June 07, 2010

    My (almost) 18 month old tortures one while sucking the other : )

  8. By Emily on June 08, 2010

    A bit strange, but I’m sure that it’s just a phase.

  9. By Molly on June 08, 2010

    I am totally with you on this. My Bitzy is 7 months old and has discovered that my nipples are better than any toy in the world.  She has also discovered that she can pinch.  OUCH! 
    I love your blog Sarah…it’s awesome.

  10. By Mary @ Parenthood on June 10, 2010

    Pulling up your shirt is the baby sign my fifteen month old daughter has chosen to show that she is hungry.  At least she only tries to expose the nipple when the shirt in question is mine!

    Like Tara’s baby, my Elizabeth is another nipple torturer.  She likes to twist and pull on one while nursing on the other.  My husband thinks she’s going to be really good at video games because it’s like she thinks it is a joystick.

  11. By Stephanie on June 22, 2010

    My 7m old is pretty dang fascinated by them, too. He loves to pinch them, squeeze them and pat them as if to say, ‘good boobie”. It’ pretty dang funny how they love them so much but love to murder them at the same time. Oh and I, too, have a snorter that will lunge for your chest (or the chest of others) in attempts to find a boob.





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