Over the past, er, thirty-two months and change, I have found that my happiness as a parent and a woman is contingent upon a few factors.
I need to feel GOOD about my relationships – with Charlotte, with Donald, with my friends and family. I need to feel that my parenting choices are supported by my family and my friends and that my opinions are respected, if not always agreed upon. I need to feel that people in my life LIKE to and WANT to spend time with me, with my husband, and with my daughter. I need to feel like my family is progressing toward the life that we want.
I need to spend time outside, usually two or more hours each day. I need to feel productive and appreciated. I need to eat healthy food, do at least one thing to work up a sweat, and to feel positive about my overall health. I need my home to be clean and comfortable. I need to feel financially secure. I need to brush my teeth. I need to engage in regular conversations with other adults. I need my friends to have an awesome sense of humor – and I need our friendships to be easy and reliable. I need an hour or two of silence a week to just sit down and read a book.
They sound like obvious things, but it’s easy to neglect one and if I do, the whole circus show comes tumbling down. If I have a conflict with a friend or relative, my marriage suffers while I devote extra time to fixing whatever I fucked up. If I spend too much time indoors or my home makes me feel like a slob, I usually end up in tears. If I don’t have time to read, my quality of parenting suffers because all I can think about is getting away.
Yesterday was a particularly rough day because I was ill (I’m feeling much better today, but still not 100%). My nose was stuffed up, my stomach ached, and my head throbbed all.day.long.
I am probably the very worst sick person you have ever met. I’m one of those melodramatic, short-tempered, and generally-worth-avoiding types who thinks a migraine is akin to the apocalypse. It is always when I am ill – when I don’t get outside and maybe don’t brush my teeth, when I don’t feel productive or like a nurturing mother, when every shortcoming in my life (yesterday: the mess in the playroom) seems exaggerated tenfold – that I wonder if ALL THIS is really worth it.
Then I wake up a day or two later and I feel healthy again. My problems feel manageable and I feel empowered to make what I want in my life. I shower Charlotte with attention and we picnic in the sun. I call a friend or schedule a playdate. I shower and pick a thought-provoking book to read. And by the end of the day, I know that I am happy in this life and that the answer is yes.
Undeniably YES.
** Charlotte is two years and eight months old.
By on April 05, 2012
I hope you feel 100% soon! I really appreciate how you manage to put things like this into words-a list of what you need to feel like you. My family has been on a bit of a roller coater ride recently and I think this exercise would be really helpful for me.
I have enjoyed reading here since close to the beginning but recently in particular your writing has really resonated with me. I live the thoughtfulness and intention that you bring to parenting, food, life all with a lightness and great sense of humor! Thanks!