Over the past, er, thirty-two months and change, I have found that my happiness as a parent and a woman is contingent upon a few factors.

I need to feel GOOD about my relationships – with Charlotte, with Donald, with my friends and family.  I need to feel that my parenting choices are supported by my family and my friends and that my opinions are respected, if not always agreed upon.  I need to feel that people in my life LIKE to and WANT to spend time with me, with my husband, and with my daughter.  I need to feel like my family is progressing toward the life that we want.

I need to spend time outside, usually two or more hours each day.  I need to feel productive and appreciated.  I need to eat healthy food, do at least one thing to work up a sweat, and to feel positive about my overall health.  I need my home to be clean and comfortable.  I need to feel financially secure.  I need to brush my teeth.  I need to engage in regular conversations with other adults.  I need my friends to have an awesome sense of humor – and I need our friendships to be easy and reliable.  I need an hour or two of silence a week to just sit down and read a book.

They sound like obvious things, but it’s easy to neglect one and if I do, the whole circus show comes tumbling down.  If I have a conflict with a friend or relative, my marriage suffers while I devote extra time to fixing whatever I fucked up.  If I spend too much time indoors or my home makes me feel like a slob, I usually end up in tears.  If I don’t have time to read, my quality of parenting suffers because all I can think about is getting away.

Yesterday was a particularly rough day because I was ill (I’m feeling much better today, but still not 100%).  My nose was stuffed up, my stomach ached, and my head throbbed all.day.long.

I am probably the very worst sick person you have ever met.  I’m one of those melodramatic, short-tempered, and generally-worth-avoiding types who thinks a migraine is akin to the apocalypse.  It is always when I am ill – when I don’t get outside and maybe don’t brush my teeth, when I don’t feel productive or like a nurturing mother, when every shortcoming in my life (yesterday: the mess in the playroom) seems exaggerated tenfold – that I wonder if ALL THIS is really worth it.

Then I wake up a day or two later and I feel healthy again.  My problems feel manageable and I feel empowered to make what I want in my life.  I shower Charlotte with attention and we picnic in the sun.  I call a friend or schedule a playdate.  I shower and pick a thought-provoking book to read.  And by the end of the day, I know that I am happy in this life and that the answer is yes.

Undeniably YES.

** Charlotte is two years and eight months old.