On remembering a soul I could never forget.
October 05, 2010

It does not happen very often that I use this website as a conversation.  This place is filled with the pretty nothings of my life and the deeper stuff, well, I try to stay silent.  Life is short and I want to spend mine smiling, so I try not to take anything seriously here.

Except sometimes.  Because sometimes something happens.

I remember when Kirsten and her husband were trying to conceive.  And then they did.  And then that dear sweet baby grew.  And then he was born.  And then he was taken from this world.  Too soon.

A dear friend of mine who lost her child too soon as well always reminds me to hold tight to my Charlotte.  She says that when you have lost a child, you never look at life the same.  You always hold in one hand the beautiful and in the other the ugly, in one the light and in the other the dark, in one the dream and in the other the nightmare.  So hold tight, she tells me.  Hold tight, kiss often, play hard, and love deep because tomorrow is not a promise.

This morning, I woke up and thought about Kirsten and her family.  I thought about holding in one hand the light and in the other the dark.  I thought about perfect Ewan, how he fought for his life.  And so I stayed in bed a little longer with my girl.  I held her a little tighter.  I took her to visit her grandfather in the afternoon even though we’d already had a full day.  I kissed her a little more often.  I chased her around the park to hear her laughter ring through the trees.  I played a little harder.

And fierce perfect Ewan.  For you?  I loved a little deeper.

Copyright belongs to Kirsten Petermann.

Kirsten, when your hand is holding the dark, may that be a glimmer of light.  When your hand is holding the ugly, may that be a whisper of beauty.  When your hand is holding the nightmare, may that be a sliver of a dream.  In two weeks, your beloved Ewan changed the world.

I know.  Because he changed mine.

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  1. By kirsten on October 05, 2010

    Sarah, this is really, really beautiful. I love that in Ewan’s short life, he was able to do this—for me, and for so many others. I’m humbled to be his mother. Really, he is and was so magnificent.

    Words seem to lose their meaning for me these days, but “thank you” comes to mind, and again “beautiful.“ I love getting these points of light in our darkness that remind me that though his life ended far too quickly, it meant something good for so many.

    much, much love.

  2. By Jaimey on October 05, 2010

    Beautiful words Sarah.

    Kristen is right. Once you have lost a child you never look at things the same and tomorrow is not a promise. I wish no one had to know that loss. I do know, coming up on the two year birthday of my sweet angel, that it makes you stronger and there is not a thing I would change given the same set of circumstances again.

    Hugs Kirsten. I know the darkness can be all encompassing but the joy will come again soon.

  3. By Joanie on October 05, 2010

    This post brought tears to my eyes. My thoughts and prayers are with Kristen and her family.

  4. By dandy on October 05, 2010

    what a beautiful boy.  what a beautiful post.

  5. By Kimberly O' on October 06, 2010

    Beautifully written and such a great reminder. I just squeezed my Charlotte a little tighter. I’ve been telling myself for the past few weeks, especially during the frustrating moments, to enjoy every single minute because everyone says it goes by so quickly and you’re right - we never know what life will bring our way tomorrow. Hugs to Kirsten and her family!

  6. By Rachel on October 06, 2010

    Hi Sarah - thanks for the beautiful post. Some dear friends of mine back in S.C. lost their 2 children in a terrible accident involving a dump truck about a year and a half ago.  The mother was badly injured, but has improved a lot through therapy and they have since had a second daughter.  They are so brave and so strong.  Despite struggling with many of the feelings you described, they have decided to be a light.  Their daughter was born just a month ago with spina bifada - yet another challenge for a family who has gone through so much.  Nonetheless, if anyone can handle it, they can.  Our prayers are with Kirsten.

  7. By Elly on October 06, 2010

    Oh <3. I only started following Kirsten and Team Ewan just after he was born, but a fierce little fellow like Ewan can’t not steal hearts. I’m heartbroken for his family, for Kirsten. My thoughts are with them often, and oh, posts like this make me glad for the blogosphere. That people can reach out and be loved, even from far away. Thanks for this post, hey.

  8. By frehmom on October 06, 2010

    Beautiful post.  My prayers are with this family.

  9. By Tabitha (From Single to Married) on October 07, 2010

    How incredibly heart breaking.  I couldn’t help but think of my sweet little son as I read this post and now I just want to go upstairs and wake him up and hold onto him.  My thoughts and prayers are with this sweet family…

  10. By on October 07, 2010

    Thank you for the reminder to hug life a little closer. My prayers today are with all those who have had someone taken from them too soon.

  11. By on October 08, 2010

    So incredibly sad. So hard for me to process this, perhaps because I have a 2 year old. Perhaps because I’m 7 months pregnant.

    I also heard yesterday of a man who definitely needs prayer. He remarried after his first wife died of cancer 2 years ago, then they found out that his second wife was expecting twins. Her water broke less than half-way through and when she went into labor, the first was stillborn and the second couldn’t survive out of the womb. Then the poor mama went into cardiac arrest right there…and just passed yesterday. I believe the woman’s name is Lauren Joy, but I don’t have the link available. Please keep her husband in your prayers…what a burden to bear.

  12. By Sheye Rosemeyer on October 09, 2010

    With love and knowing.

  13. By on October 09, 2010

    I’m so sad for Ewan’s family, but I’m also moved by what you wrote and by what they have written about him.  Thank you.

  14. By Alias Mother on October 09, 2010

    I keep coming back to this post to offer words of comfort, but all I can do is look at his eyes.  The entire world, with all the joy and all the sorrow, is in those eyes.

    Kirsten, I am so sorry for you and your family.

  15. By Jodie on October 10, 2010

    He’s a beautiful baby and this was a beautiful post. I hope his loved ones find joy in the memory of his short and loved time on this planet.

  16. By Khara on October 12, 2010

    Sarah, what a beautiful and heartbreaking story.  It is amazing how much impact a small baby can make on our lives in such a short time.  I am sorry to hear that Ewan passed.  I am glad that he entered your life and your friend’s.  I am sure that he is smiling down on you both now.

  17. By Jordan on October 25, 2010

    Your entry is really touching and moving .Almost sounds like a ballad to a dear lost life. I cannot help but read it over and over. My favorite part is “Life is short and I want to spend mine smiling, so I try not to take anything seriously here. Except sometimes.  Because sometimes something happens.” This reminds me that things do not always go according to plan. I feel for Kirsten and little Ewan. Your entry reminded me how not to take the people we love for granted.





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