So this is Misery.
June 29, 2009

Women have spent the last seven or eight months assuring me that whatever I was going through could – and would – get much, MUCH worse.

I thought they were wrong.

I was 11 or 12 weeks pregnant in this photograph and I thought I was invincible.  HA!
It only took being bitch-slapped by the pregnant gods of misery to find out how very wrong I was…

Admitting this sounds stupid to me now.  It’s like reading a journal you wrote when you were fifteen: the angst and the diatribes against your parents and the BRIAN IS SO HOT surrounded by little pink hearts SEEMS normal and makes a lot of sense at the time…but ten years later you find it in a box of long-forgotten crap and think WOW.

Not WOW as in “Wow, I was a really insightful teenager.”  WOW as in “Wow, I was a moron,” or “Wow, this is mortifying to read and I should probably burn it,” or “Wow, my brain had clearly not finished developing,” or even “Wow, I don’t even remember this Brian character.”

So even though it is horrifying to think I was so STUPID, I’ll admit it: I thought everybody was wrong.  I thought that pregnancy had treated me pretty well and could not POSSIBLY become uncomfortable.  I loved being pregnant!  LOVED IT!  Later, when the tide began to turn, I thought there was NO WAY that pregnancy could possibly get any worse than a persistent bladder infection or leaking breasts or constipation or whatever the current bane of my existence was.

As it turns out, I WAS WRONG.  Sometime on Friday afternoon, I suddenly entered the phase of pregnancy that I will heretofore refer to as ABSOLUTE MISERY.  Or maybe I reached that phase awhile ago and I’m just a little slow on the uptake.

I’m slow on the uptake a lot.

At any rate, my hip joints pop and squeak and crack like an old, wooden roller coaster.  The sort of roller coaster that you just KNOW will plunge you to your death.  I am ALWAYS uncomfortable.  Sitting hurts my pelvis.  Standing hurts my back.  Laying down hurts my rib cage.  Sweat leaks out of every pore on my body, causing pimples in places like MY BELLY BUTTON (WHAT THE FUCK?!), and making my underwear nearly impossible to remove in the evening.  Putting on socks in the morning is something of an event.

So if you told me that I was going to become uncomfortable and I blew you off?  I’m sorry that it took me a week of being unable to apply soap to the bottom of my feet before I believed you.  I guess sometimes you just have to shake Misery’s hand before you realize that she’s moved into your spare room and eaten all of the ice cream in your freezer.

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  1. By Homeslice on June 29, 2009

    people always said i’d forget the pain of labor.  i never did.  but each time i’d forgot how much of a craptastic ending pregnancy had - everything hurts, nothing is fun, you can’t breathe, you can’t tie your shoes, the baby’s feet or head feel like they’re going to pop out of your vagina at any minute - it’s just so much fun.  i’d tell you to hang in there - but you have no choice, and it used to irritate me when people said that!  so i’m just going to say, i hear you - and hope this phase ends really soon.

  2. By Cate Subrosa on June 29, 2009

    Eek! How much longer do you have to go now? I’m 29 weeks and starting to find that lying down being uncomfortable is really not fun any more.

  3. By gretchen from lifenut on June 29, 2009

    Would you believe me if I said you WILL feel good again? You will, I promise.

    May Misery’s stay be short-lived.

  4. By Marla on June 29, 2009

    But it will so totally be worth it when that baby gets here.

  5. By Hokie Deb on June 29, 2009

    —>It’s all worth it and will be quickly forgotten when the baby arrives….you’ll be too tired for the first few months to remember. ;-)

  6. By Tara on June 29, 2009

    When I read about your pregnant bliss I really hoped you’d be one of the lucky ones (are there any lucky ones?) who didn’t succumb to the craptacular brutality of the last few weeks. 

    Misery stayed in my house for the last month or more of my pregnancy.  She’s not a very nice houseguest.  I hope that time speeds by for you now.

  7. By Lauren on June 29, 2009

    I’m thinking of planning a war against biology -are you with me? The way I see it, the process that ensures the survival of our species should NOT be this painful.  I think nature’s got it wrong and I want some answers.

  8. By Sarah A. Schlothan Christensen on June 29, 2009

    Lauren - I AM SO WITH YOU.

    I’m pretty certain that if pregnancy weren’t biologically necessary for the proliferation of the species, that nobody would ever be pregnant after they’d experienced the misery of the last few weeks firsthand.

  9. By Jinxy @ Jinxyisms on June 29, 2009

    I’m sorry you are so miserable.  I don’t have any advice since Lily was born at 36 weeks I never really got to the totally unhappy point.  But I do feel bad for you and hope you forget soon.  The baby will be here soon and all will be right with the world.

  10. By kbreints on June 29, 2009

    LOL. Oh I certainly do not feel justified… I had so hoped that you were going to prove us all wrong and be the only woman in history that enjoyed her ENTIRE pregnancy…

    It will all be forgotten soon :)

  11. By Kim on June 29, 2009

    We all have to get there on our own.  I didn’t believe it would happen to me either.  Happens to the best of us.  The good news is you are almost done!!!  Then the real fun begins.
    Oh, and you might be sore after the baby is born too.  Hips and back and such.  Find a good chiropractor to see after the baby gets here.  You will thank me, promise ;)

  12. By erin on June 29, 2009

    Apology accepted. :)

    I’m so sorry you feel so awful.  I too was (jealously) hoping that you were one of those lucky ones who did not feel awful, pretty much ever.  And hoped that even your awful was one of my good days.

    (Been wondering where you were at the end of last week - I thought you might have been busy having a baby this weekend!)

  13. By Elizabeth Mackey on June 29, 2009

    Doesn’t nature have a funny way of making you want that kid out no matter how painful it is going to be! I don’t think anyone is prepared for how the body is going to react, to pregnancy.
    I remember one thing that no one told me post pregnancy that was very painful, was every time the baby latches on to breast feed, you will have the most horrific uterine cramps ever! I didn’t have them to badly with the first baby,but OMG that hurts!! Just a heads up, unless you were already told this.

  14. By Mommica on June 29, 2009

    Oh, don’t worry about the bottoms of your feet. Just stand in the shower and let the runoff from the rest of your body take care of it. Squeaky clean feet-bottoms are not worth the effort.

  15. By daphne on June 29, 2009

    funnily, i have been reading your blog and only just realised that we’re just ONE week or so in our estimated date of delivery!

    My tailbone area hurts. I’m juggling my breasts with my knee caps. I leave the top of my pants unbuttoned cos its too darn tight.

    I need to give birth real soon.

  16. By Jana on June 29, 2009

    your crackin me up! found you somehow throught this grapevine of blogs! hang in there momma! takes bravery to admit all the junk at such a “special” time….its only special when it over! haha

  17. By Lisa on June 29, 2009

    I’m sorry that the third trimester reality has hit!

  18. By Buckeroomama on June 29, 2009

    No words of advice.  Everything’s been said.  Plus, it’s different for everyone.  Just sending positive thoughts your way and hope you’ll get to hold your sweet bundle in your arms VERY soon.  :)

  19. By Jennifer W. on June 29, 2009

    Oh man I am so sorry.  I won’t say anything positive because when I was pregnant I wanted nothing more than to slap those skinny bitches in the face everytime they tried to “make me feel better”.  I felt like shit.  I know you feel like shit.  Try to hang on to the knowledge that you are sooooooo close to being done with this pain and enduring a totally different level, abated only by the beauty and love for the child responsible for said pain.  There, did that help?  You are almost done my friend!

  20. By MommyNamedApril on June 29, 2009

    aw, i’m sorry you’ve hit the wall.  the good news is, this means it’s almost over!  yay!!!

  21. By Wild Dingo on June 29, 2009

    Now see, you just aren’t selling this preggers thing to us gals who aren’t that sold on it in the first place. you got this all wrong. You’re miserable. Don’t you want EVERYONE to feel this miserable? If I were this miserable, I’d want every last living creature to feel my pain. Including or ESPECIALLY those chicks (like moi) that say they don’t want kids? Sarah, Sarah Sarah…did you miss school the day they taught reverse psychology? :)

  22. By Joe @ Irrationaldad on June 30, 2009

    I’m laughing only because you’re bringing back memories of when my wife was preggers. I’m extremely grateful that men don’t go through that. Let’s be honest here, men are babies when they’re sick… could you imagine?

    Anyway, head up Sarah… this too shall pass.

  23. By Kimberly on June 30, 2009

    awwwwwwwwwww honey! When are you FINALLY due? Are you bouncing on your heels yet?

  24. By kim on June 30, 2009

    see but now you get to be in the “club”, and club membership includes you getting to be the one that goes… ha, you think it’s all easy now, just you wait till you can’t bend over, breathe etc, etc.


  25. By Elly on June 30, 2009

    You know, I saw this and was totally expecting you to be big with your gorgeous baby belly (forget that the logistics didn’t catch up to my brain till after) How novel that instead you have a tiny baby belly! :)

  26. By Alias Mother on July 01, 2009

    Okay, brace yourself, because it gets worse.  The first week or two after delivery…ugly.  But then it gets better. I swear it does.  And some things are better instantly.  I remember my overwhelming relief that first night that I could sleep on my back again.  It was like peeing after you’ve had to hold it for hours, it was THAT GOOD.

  27. By Tabitha (From Single to Married) on July 14, 2009

    I’ll say two things.  First:  man, I’m sorry, that really sucks.  And second: maybe I should stop reading now or I may just change my mind.

    just kidding.

  28. By on April 23, 2010

    Sarah!  I appreciate that you used the term “bitch slapped” in your post.  Your writing reminds me of my friend Monica’s who also blogs about her experiences with a pregnancy loss (although she just had her first baby a couple of weeks ago!!).  She just wrote a book about it called “Knocked Up, Knocked Down”.  It’s edgy, poignant, and makes you laugh out loud.  Check it out!

    PS.  Your pics are seriously awesome!  What a sweet baby girl you have!  Keep those coming…





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