Two thousand twelve.
January 04, 2012

Last week, something happened.  And I’m not just referring to the enormo-virus I accidentally downloaded onto our computer that took my lumbering giant of a computer dork husband two full days to un-fuck.  Although, if you ask him, he would probably roll his eyes and say YES, something did happen, and that something is that he had to teach his wife Common Sense 101: do not click on random Internet boxes.  Ever.  FOR ANY REASON.

No, what happened was that I looked at Charlotte and I felt full.  Peaceful.  Content.  HAPPY.

Ever since the miscarriage, I’ve felt like a shadow of myself.  It feels like there are two Sarahs – the woman who coos at her friends’ babies and the woman who is consumed by envy and anger and frustration and sadness and a host of other dark emotions.  The woman who laughs at jokes and the woman who thinks it is so damned pointless to laugh at anything.  The woman who wants to tell the world about her loss so that people understand that there was a baby here, once, for a brief while, who she loved, honestly, there was – and the woman who wants to shut the world away and hold the loss inside herself because that child is too precious to share.

The woman who parents Charlotte.  And the woman who watches the woman parenting Charlotte and wants in on the fun but just can’t figure out how.  The woman who feels so guilty for not being the parent to Charlotte that she once was.

But last week, I realized that that shadow of a woman was just…gone.  It was like she snuck out the kitchen door without saying good-bye and I haven’t missed her a bit.  I realized that I felt like my daughter’s mother again, like I was fully present in her life, thoroughly enjoying her company again the way I once had.  I will never forget the babies that I do not have a chance to meet and I will never stop loving them, but there is something to be said for being the parent that Charlotte deserves.

It felt like coming home.

I know that everybody under the sun is making resolutions right now.  And I guess that my family is too, in our own way.  We have goals.  We want to continue going plastic-free and we want to eat more seasonally and eliminate food waste in our home.  We want to hang up photographs in our living room and fix up the backyard.  We want to plant wheat in our garden and make green smoothies more frequently.  We want to spend more time together and go camping and rock climbing more often.  We want to find our babies and bring them home.  (For those of you on Facebook - our home visit went well.  One down, approximately twelve billion to go.)  We always have goals.

But right now, I think we’re all just happy that we’re kicking off the new year with smiles on our faces.

Happy Belated New Year, world.  I hope you’re as excited about 2012 as I am!

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  1. By on January 04, 2012

    being happy sounds like a good plan.
    i wish you and your family LOADS of it.

  2. By on January 04, 2012

    I am so glad that you are finding peace in your life again.  A joyous year to you and your family.

  3. By carolina on January 04, 2012

    there’s nothing like choosing to come home. you’ve mourned and now you’re back. and you’re a better person because of it. congrats and happy new year to your family.

  4. By tara pollard pakosta on January 04, 2012

    Good luck on your journey to more babies, no matter how you get them, it’s exciting!!!!
    I am so happy you are content with the NOW and being charlott’es mommy! she’s such a smart beautiful girl! keep doing an awesome job with her!!!

  5. By Mailis on January 04, 2012

    I am so glad the SarahShadow left. You are a beautiful person and a beautiful mommy, and I wish all the best for you.

    Any child would be lucky to have you and Donald as parents. Truly.

  6. By Melissa on January 04, 2012

    Hey Sarah,

    I don’t know if you’ve heard of Abundant Harvest but they do awesome, organic, local and in season produce for $22 a week for a small box!  Check them out!


  7. By Sarah Christensen on January 04, 2012

    Melissa -  I hadn’t heard of that; I’m about to go check it out.  Thanks, cousin!! =)

    (Also, I changed your link, so if that’s not the right one, please let me know.  The .org link went to a church in Texas?)

  8. By Sarah@Crazy Love Gamble-Style on January 04, 2012

    That is great Sarah.  You deserve to be happy and I think that starts with being content with what you have & I believe it opens you up for what is coming next, so much more happiness!

  9. By Megan R. on January 05, 2012

    Congrats…and welcome back to the “old Sarah”...or a hearty welcome to the “new Sarah”. Whatever the case, it must feel nice to not have that shadow following you around so much these days!

  10. By Katie on January 05, 2012

    I am so happy that you are able to fully appreciate how content you are feeling. Sometimes, noticing and appreciating are the hard parts. I love your goals for 2012…very inspiring.

  11. By Tara on January 05, 2012

    I’m so happy to hear that you are finding peace. Wishing you and your family the best in 2012!

  12. By carolina on January 08, 2012

    I kept thinking about this post, mostly because it made me happy and mostly because I think you’re an absolutely awesome mom. And for that reason, I had two questions. Do you think the Shadow of Sarah left because 1. you finished mourning 2. you’re throwing yourself into the adoption process? I guess I’m also curious as to how you feel about being pregnant in the future? I would assume you’re not considering it yet, but in the past you mentioned that you needed your body to mourn…Do you still feel as strongly?

  13. By Elle on January 22, 2012

    I am so very sorry about your miscarriage. I had one back in August along with 2 trips to the ER from complications and since then I’ve felt what you described.

    I have a beautiful 2 year old daughter and I’ve felt like she’s only getting half of me these past months. I’m not there yet but I feel like I’m finally starting to get out of the fog I’ve been in.

  14. By Property Damage on May 06, 2013

    Worth it to read accessibility, I am looking forward to another!





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