Venus and Mars.
September 26, 2009

“I hope that someday soon we can brainwash the baby into falling asleep a little earlier,” the wife said to her husband, “because I would really like a little alone time with you.”

What the wife said: I need some snuggling on the sofa!  And a back rub!  And a foot massage!  And some sweet nothings whispered in my ear!  And your arms around me like we were newlyweds again!

What the husband heard: YOU ARE GOING TO GET LAID.

“That sounds good,” the husband told his wife, “I’ve really missed you.  How about this?  I’ll go put the baby to sleep while you relax a little.”

What the husband said: Yo.  Get yourself prettied up because I am going to wreck you.

What the wife heard: Put your feet up and drift off to sleep.

“Oh, thank you, honey,” the wife responded to her husband, “just let me know when she’s asleep.  I’ll be in the spare room.”

What the wife said: Please wake me up later, I’ll be passed out on the bed in the guest room.  There might be drool.  It won’t be pretty.

What the husband heard: Honey, you are a handsome, rugged stud of a man.  You are a sex god.  As soon as you’re ready, come claim your prize, you manly beast.  I’ll be waiting.

“Sounds like a deal!” the husband exclaimed.  “I love you, sweetheart.”

What the husband said: SCORE!  This is gonna be AWESOME!

And what the husband, then, sadly heard: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.


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  1. By C @ Kid Things on September 26, 2009

    If he left you asleep after that, then he still deserves some good husband points.

  2. By Tabitha (From Single to Married) on September 26, 2009

    ha ha ha ha!  I can only imagine just how true this is.  Poor Donald.  :)  Wait, what am I saying?  Poor you!

  3. By *emilie* on September 26, 2009

    ahahahah ! i just love it !

  4. By Kristin on September 26, 2009

    Hilarious, but so true!

  5. By on September 26, 2009

    ...Good Stuff!!
    that was a funny and accurate portrayal of life after baby!

  6. By Stephanie on September 26, 2009

    bahahahaha. I feel you.

  7. By Tara on September 26, 2009

    HAHA!  I can totally relate to this.  Venus and Mars indeed.

  8. By Stephanie on September 26, 2009

    Isn’t it just perfect!

  9. By erin on September 26, 2009

    Were you at my house last night?!?!

  10. By Veronica on September 26, 2009

    Yes, that sounds about right.

  11. By chocolate and whine on September 26, 2009

    This is totally brilliant. You may have just summed up the nuances of all conversations between a man and wife.

  12. By jaimey on September 26, 2009

    SOO true of life after babies! Welcome. Its a sad little place sometimes. :)

  13. By Jinxy @ Jinxyisms on September 27, 2009

    I kept telling myself that once Lily wasn’t a newborn our lovelife would get back to sort of normal.  Nine months in and this could have been our house last night.

    Great post!

  14. By gretchen from lifenut on September 27, 2009

    This might really depress you, but Archie is almost 9 months and this STILL happens here.

    Sleep > Sex

    But not forever…

  15. By Sarah @ This Heavenly Life on September 27, 2009

    I’m dying of laughter over here!  My husband often says I am a tease, and now I’m seeing why.  I tell him I need a hug and he hears she wants a hump…

    So funny and true :)

  16. By caramama on September 28, 2009

    Hahahaha! We’ve had that conversation in our house too! More than once!

  17. By Kate on September 28, 2009

    Hahaha… HILARIOUS! And so true. Even for those of us who are not yet pregnant :)

  18. By A. on September 28, 2009

    HILARIOUS.  So true.  Still - I Gotta say that I’ve learned that a little “nookie” can help this mom sleep VERY soundly (!)

  19. By MyHormonesMadeMeDoIt on September 28, 2009

    Great post, sometimes I feel like this and don’t have a baby yet…yikes!

  20. By on September 12, 2010

    Hahaha, that is so true. Sleep was gold in those infant days!


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