We call it her sixth sense.
December 03, 2009

If I had read the fine print when I signed up to become a parent, I would have found that motherhood means allowing for a squadron of sex police to move into my home.  Because that’s what a baby is, really.  They look so cute and kissably squishy, but that’s all a front.  The real purpose of a baby is to stop you from ever having sex again.


Charlotte is, in this regards, the perfect baby.  In fact, if you hate sex or if you were so traumatized by giving birth that you never want to see a penis again, I suggest you go to the grocery and pick up a four-month-old just like her.

The truth is that four-month-olds are like sex bloodhounds.  Not a single act of romance in our household goes unpunished.  It doesn’t matter if I’m beckoning my husband in a thong and fishnets or if I’m just leaning forward for an innocent peck on the cheek, if there is so much as a whiff of lust – even the SLIGHTEST chance that one thing might lead to another – Charlotte is going to notice.

And she is not going to respond kindly.

I swear to you, my child could be dead to the world, snoozing happily on the bed, sawing logs so loudly that a deaf platypus could hear her, but the minute I open my lingerie drawer?  AWAKE!  Needs milk!  Wouldn’t mind a diaper change if I’m up for it!

Which, let’s face it, puts a bit of a damper on my love life.  I don’t know about other co-sleepers, but if there is even a remote possibility that my daughter will crack open an eyelid while her father and I rip each other’s clothes off, well, I have two words for you to describe what is going to happen: Blue. Balls.

There are, of course, some benefits to having a fun tyrant four-month-old baby in the house.  Donald and I today are much, MUCH, more creative lovers than we ever were before.  Sneaking around whispering and hushing one another has a certain romantic appeal.  We make every second count, as every small bit of passion happens on borrowed time.  And since we have fewer opportunities to be alone together, we spend a lot more time wooing one another and building up the intrigue in the meantime.

In fact, now that I think of it, Charlotte may have been the worst thing imaginable for my sex life.  But she’s also simultaneously the best.

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  1. By Stephanie on December 03, 2009

    Creative love is what co-sleeping is all about, I think. We are king and queen of having sex anywhere but the bed, but MAN it’s…something. I don’t know. I can’t wait until we can have our spontaneity back, because we were previously king and queen of spontaneous sex. And now we are king and queen of hey-the-baby-is-asleep-and-won’t-eat-for-at-least-two-hours-so-let’s-get-it-on ON THE FLOOR but ssssssssssssh, the baby might wake up.

    I got tired of hyphens.

    It’s all in good love, though, because Jasper is so fun right now we both might explode, and we are still having sex, even with a co-sleeping infant, more than plenty of married people do, even those without kids. So. Go. Team!

    And Go Team Donald and Sarah!

    And…that’s enough from me.

  2. By Vee on December 03, 2009

    Those pictures are so cute I can hardly take it!!

  3. By Lynette on December 03, 2009

    Just wait! It gets better! (or worse depending on how you look at it)
    Charlotte is to cute for words by the way!

  4. By kbreints on December 03, 2009

    For real… such a cute baby… How could you NOT want to make more ?!

  5. By Ali on December 03, 2009

    Dear Lord, I pray my mother-in-law never reads this . . .

    We now have two babies and it’s gotten even harder to be intimate.

    Let’s just say last week the baby was crying over the monitor while, well, you know.

  6. By gretchen from lifenut on December 03, 2009

    When they’re bigger, it’s easier. DVDs were invented for this sole purpose—-to entertain kids so mom and dad can have an important discussion about this year’s taxes in the bedroom.

    When they are babies? It’s about perfect timing and not feeling guilty when they are sitting in a swing in the next room, chewing on a Sophie giraffe and wondering where those big, nice people went?

    Oh, they’re back and the one with long hair has a shiny face!

  7. By on December 03, 2009

    Love the pic of her on her belly!

  8. By Cambria Copeland on December 03, 2009

    Hah!  So true!  Wait till she’s older and mobile, and you think she’s content playing in her room and you can sneak in a quicky.  Then BOOM! There she is toddling around the corner just as things are about to get started.

  9. By on December 03, 2009

    Or when they are 23 and still have a key to your house and happen to come by while the ‘old foggies’ are upstairs spontaniously celebrating their empty nest. Thank God we were upstairs and the door was closed to keep out the cats. After that earful he now calls before coming over and rings the doorbell.

  10. By Heidi Giffin on December 03, 2009

    Oh, my…what an adorable face.  I love the hat.  :)

  11. By Elizabeth Mackey on December 03, 2009

    OMG, those two pictures made my morning!!!

    Let me tell you it will never be the same again! Everything always has to be super quite, or the kids will wander in….to this day, my daughter is still living at the house, she is 19, I still feel like it may be even worse! Don’t even get me started on the story of how we didn’t think she would be back home with her boyfriend at a certain time, and our door was slightly open!!!

    So, it will always be a game of chance and secret agent sex from now on :)

  12. By sarah on December 03, 2009

    More and more gorgeous every day!

  13. By Stephanie on December 03, 2009

    I’m 3 weeks post partum, today and I’m still currently in the “i-cant-imagine-having-sex” catagory. I had two HORRIBLE tears, one third degree and one that was 3/4 of the way through my vagina. From the inside OUT! It took over 2 hours to sew me up and although it has healed.. I’m still not looking forward to the sex, just yet.

    Maybe I’ll be good to go by my 6 week appointment. Thankfully our little man sleeps like a lumberjack, sawing logs, so hopefully that will continue, too!

  14. By Jamie [Phatchik] on December 03, 2009

    Your blog {and blog commentors} are the higlight of my day.

  15. By on December 03, 2009

    I have three kids but I have to say that Charlotte is the cutest baby I have ever seen!!!

  16. By on December 03, 2009

    I see your smile in her eyes and in this picture. She very much looks like her momma. Adorable.

  17. By molly on December 03, 2009

    Hey Stephanie - (the one w/the tears) - don’t stress if you’re not ready at six weeks. It took me a couple months to work up to not being totally freaked out and a year for it to feel normal again. Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong. Just be kind to yourself and cut yourself a lot of slack. You just birthed a baby!!  :)

    AWESOME pics!!!!!

  18. By Mary @ Parenthood on December 05, 2009

    Hate to say that in our experience this is not restricted to the four month old stage…

    Seize the moments as they come :)

  19. By Heidi on December 06, 2009

    A deaf platypus?

    BTW: Stephanie’s comment is fucking awful. Poor thing. Oh my god. How do you go on?

  20. By Sarah A. Schlothan Christensen on December 06, 2009

    Stephanie with the tears - TAKE YOUR TIME, oh my word.

    Also, if you’re nervous about your six-week appointment, and you aren’t shy about medications, your doctor might be able to prescribe something to help out.  The day of my 6-wk appointment, I was so nervous I puked everywhere (also, I had spoilt milk that morning - oops! - which I don’t think helped matters).  So the doctor prescribed me Xanax or Valium or something like that (can’t remember which exactly, although I think I wrote about it here, so it’s probably in the archives somewhere) so that I would be more relaxed.  Apparently, the more relaxed you are, the better.  It must be true because he gave me the first pap smear I’ve ever NOT FELT and the only pelvic I’ve ever not felt too.

  21. By Julia Brown on December 07, 2009

    Not on topic exactly…but can I say that I absolutely love her picture in this post??!!  I love the pink hat, pink blanket, crazy adorable smile - too much cuteness!!

  22. By jonb on December 08, 2009

    oh, just wait until she can crawl out of her bed while you’re sleeping (yep, given up on sex) and, like a silent phantom, appear out of nowhere. Staring at you. Inches from your face.





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