You are biology class.
March 14, 2009

This is what my sister-in-law told me once after a brief discussion about my early pregnancy symptoms, which included such wonderfully exciting realities as NOT POOPING.  I know this happens to many women, maybe to most women, but constipation absolutely terrified me.  For years, I have lived with the havoc Crohn’s disease wreaks on your gastrointestinal tract and to be quite honest, that havoc includes ridiculous quantities of diarrhea, which is probably best described as pooping in excess.

On the first day of no diarrhea, I told my husband that this thing?  This pregnancy thing?  I could totally rock it.  On the second day of no diarrhea, I told my husband that I would sell his baby to roaming musicians, to wild bands of Russian gypsies, TO MONGOL INVADERS if it meant that I would have an explosive and uncomfortable bowel movement.  On the third day of no diarrhea, I had an ultrasound wherein the now-former-doctor told me that my bowels were rather active and I thought NOT ACTIVE ENOUGH, WOMAN.  When I finally did poop, the clouds parted and the angels sang and I discussed the oddities of pregnancy, including my total lack of dignity about my pooping habits, with my sister-in-law.

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Sebastian wants to know why I won’t shut up about poop.  He poops regularly without any problems.

She said: “Right now?  You are biology class.“

At the time, I thought she may have exaggerated just a tad.  I like to think that I’ve spent the past two decades of my life evolving into something a little bit higher on the totem pole than fart-inducing stomach bacteria or microbes under a student’s microscope.  Then, last night, Donald and I visited my parents.  It was a pleasant visit, likely because my parents are pleasant people, (but don’t tell them I said that), (it might go to their heads), (and then they might think I like them or something), but I had to cut it short because I could not STAND to be hungry any longer.  FOOD!  I gasped.  WE NEED TO LEAVE!  I said.  I NEED FOOD!  NOW!!

Everybody happily obliged.  And maybe twenty seconds after we’d left, I pulled a Ziploc bag of Girl Scout cookies out of my jacket pocket that I’d packed as a dog-walking snack earlier.  Donald GUFFAWED, which is very typical of how he deals with his pregnant wife, and that’s when I realized that my sister-in-law was right all along.  Here I am, packing snacks just in the off chance that visiting my parents - FOUR HOUSES AWAY - might take awhile and make me hungry.

So, hello, it’s nice to meet you.  My name is Sarah A. Schlothan Christensen.  And I am governed entirely by cells and digestive processes over which I have no control.  I am biology class.


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  1. By mommyknows on March 14, 2009

    Every conversation eventually leads to poop! With all your diarrhea, you should adopt the word ‘cacatory’ and get it back in the dictionary. ;)

  2. By Spruce Hill on March 14, 2009

    You are so right. Pregnancy is the first time in my life that everyone was interested in my bodily functions. It is a strange feeling. Enjoy it though. Before you know it, it will be over and you will have a little person to take care of.
    When I was pregnant all three times I always traveled with snacks in my pockets and purse, even keeping a stash in my car :)

  3. By Kimberly on March 15, 2009

    Sebastian is giving us his “come hither” look and I have to admit…I’m melting.

  4. By Allison on March 15, 2009

    Hahaha. I don’t even know what to say, other than you are HILARIOUS.

    (And to add: I never had to deal with constipation, but towards the end of my pregnancy I had to deal with peeing every freakin’ ten minutes. Kid wouldn’t stop kicking my bladder.)

  5. By Jaye - on March 15, 2009

    lmao Sarah!  What a funny post =)

  6. By Courtney on March 15, 2009

    this was hilarious!  I hated not pooping.  Unlike you, I have the other pooping problem!  But I am so sorry you have to deal with Crohn’s!

  7. By Kate on March 15, 2009

    If you think the beginning of pregnancy is bad, just wait until you get to the third trimester.  You are so tired, yet you can’t sleep because there is a parasite rocking around your uterus and you have to pee every 7 seconds like clockwork but you are so tired.  It’s torture and then you realize you would voluntarily walk through fire to have this baby out of you.

  8. By Melissaand3boys on March 15, 2009

    If you are a private person like I was being pregnant is a very strange experience because these, what used to be private, experiences become such a topic of discussion, with other pregnant people, spouses, and doctors.  But don’t worry.  Once the baby is born you’ll be able to talk about his or her pooping.  So the poop talk doesn’t end until sometime in middle school.

  9. By Heidi on March 15, 2009

    You people scare me to goddamn death.

    Sarah, I’d recommend Tim Hortons coffee. It keeps me regular, but I’m certain pregnant women can’t drink coffee. Can they? Can you?

    McDonalds might kick start the Crohn’s.





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